We got home from Target and Brody was hungry, tired, and just plain not happy. In the midst of frustrated screaming from such a tiny little mouth that makes such a loud noise, I got him undressed, in his high chair, fed, bathed, lotioned, dressed for bed, hair brushed, and finally could take a breath as he sunk into my arms, bottle in hand, and immediately closed his eyes. As I sung him to sleep, my life just felt good. As I kissed his forehead and laid him down in his crib, watched as he snuggled into his favorite light green blankie, the love I felt for him, and for my simple life, was overwhelming.

Once the house was picked up and the kitchen was clean, I made my way to the bathroom furthest from sleeping Brody, turned my Pandora up way high on my iPad, and took a nice, hot shower. This felt so good, so good. I know that times like today I need to just stop and remember how blessed I truly am. Today I felt blessed.

Being married and having a little one has changed my life more than anything else. With fewer friends, after moving to Utah, I sometimes feel lonely while Jeff works night shifts.  Making friendships seems like it was so much easier when I was single. I’m the type of person who needs socialization. So getting used to quiet nights with a sleeping baby, and a hard at work spouse has been so hard to get used to. It is still a work in progress.

 
Today was a good day. I didn’t have to teach and I got to feel life as just a momma. It was peaceful, fulfilling, and wonderful.  I love having my mornings filled with noisy toys, messy baby food, and warm bottles of milk. Brody had a tough time going down for his naps today. He has officially moved into his own room and is still getting used his crib again. Being home all day with Brody made me understand him more than I feel like I normally do. Taking care of my little guy without many other distractions allowed me to focus on his needs and be the momma I know I want to be. When Brody is unsettled, like he is as he is getting used to his crib, he has a cry that I know right when I hear it. It makes me feel almost sick to my stomach. I know when I hear this cry that all he needs is a little extra cuddle and rock in the rocking chair, and before long he will go right to sleep when I put lay him back down.

I know I have only been a mom for a little over a year now, but I am so thankful for the many lessons that Brody has already taught me. There are so many people, including doctors, nurses, friends, neighbors, and more, that will tell you exactly what you need to do in every parenting situation. I know that the best teacher and advice giver is actually your own sweet, innocent, child. They know what is best for them, and in turn, as a parent, you will know what is best for them, and for you for that matter. I have learned that listening to others, especially to those who don’t know Brody personally, only leads to frustration, confusion, and stress. Instead, I have found in so many cases already that doing it my own way has always worked out better.

I am striving to parent in a laid back sort of way. Not in every way, but in some. I have found that if i just let nature take its course with Brody, everyone is happier. Things like sleeping through the night, breastfeeding length, weening from the bottle, not allowing attachments, and more, will all work themselves out. When I say that I am “striving” to be a laid back parent, means that this has not been an easy journey for me, and I am still working on it. I am so easily influenced by the advice that I am given that whenever I hear these opinions I think and dwell on the ideas for so long. It literally brings me down. I feel like I am swimming up stream, trying to figure out how to be a mom, and when new ideas or criticism is thrown at me, I get so flustered that I may not be doing the right thing.

But I want to be laid back. I want to remember to be laid back.

For example, I wanted so badly to breastfeed for an entire year, however, I got pregnant again and while my milk supply decreased drastically, 3 weeks before Brody turned one, I stopped breastfeeding. I was a bit devastated, even though I didn’t tell other people that aloud. I don’t like to fall short of my goals, but this one I didn’t have much of a choice. However, I know that it was the right time for Brody and for me. Brody switched to the bottle full time so easily. He completely switched to whole milk so smoothly. I know that he was ready to not be nursed at night anymore. I had absolutely no pain when I stopped nursing. I always thought that was a requirement when you stopped. My body was ready, just like my baby was ready. If I would have just stopped thinking about all of the people who told me I had to nurse for a year no matter what, and just listened to Brody and my own body, I wouldn’t have been so stressed about this transition.

The other day a nurse said to me, “So Brody is over a year now, he is completely off the bottle, right?” I looked at her with a surprised expression, and replied, “No, should he be?” While she explained to me that he should not be on a bottle for more than 14 months, and that I need to be starting to switch him immediately, I had to reassure myself that I was doing okay. I had to keep telling myself that I was not failing as a mom. On the way home I stopped at the store and got Brody 5 new sippy cups. We were going to start this immediately. Brody thought the sippy cups were so fun. He would shake them, chew up the lids, take off the lids with his bottom teeth, and poke the different parts with his little figure trying to figure out what the heck I was giving him to play with. Yeah, this was not going to work, especially at the times I was trying to get him calmed down to go to sleep. I knew after that trial run that Brody was not ready. I needed to be more laid back about this.

Therefore, I have decided to put the sippy cups away for awhile longer. Brody loves his bottle, and that is okay with me. I enjoy rocking him to sleep with his bottle. I adore the way his face looks so innocent when he drinks with it. I love how he insists on me holding it, even though we both know that he is fully capable to do it himself. It’s his comfort item, and if he want to suck on a bottle for another year, then so be it. I know he will give it up on his own time, and that time is not right now.

I just want to be laid back. I don’t want to listen to him crying in his crib for longer than a few minutes. I don’t want to desert him in his room for the whole night if he wakes up. I don’t want to not rock him at night until he is ready to sleep. I just want to be a mom, a laid back, it will work itself out, kind of mom.

Dear Brody, little bee, Little Guyee Guy, Brodekins, Brodicon…

You are so loved. I can’t believe you have been my little son for a year already. You have taught me so many wonderful things. The best thing that you have taught me is how to love. Oh, how I love you so much. You are a part of me and that is so special. I’m so happy that I get to have you as a part of my life for always.

You put a smile on everyone’s face. Whether we are shopping at the grocery store, playing at the park, sitting in sacrament, taking a stroller ride on sunny days, or walking dad to work, you turn heads, boy, by just being your cute, innocent self. You make me such a proud momma.

Loving you is so easy. I remember babysitting and wondering how moms spent all day caring for their kids. How could they possibly pass the time each day? Oh, I was so naive. Having a child is like nothing else. I live by your schedule and it is so great. Even when you are terribly crabby, or when you are kicking your tiny legs as fast as you can when you don’t get your way, or when you stop, mid crawl, to lay your head against the floor to whine out your sorrows, or when you push the garbage down and get chocolate from an ice cream carton all over you face, or when you stick your entire arm in the toilet water, or when you grab a handful of my hair as hard as you can… These things are a part of my days now, and I don’t hate it.

There are the cute things you do each day that never fails to put a smile on your dad’s, Auntie Q’s, and my face. Things like when you crawl into our bedroom and shut the door (you LOVE playing with doors) and then yell for us to come get you, however we can’t get inside because you have sat our cute butt directly in front of the door. Or when you hear music and your body is over taken by the sound. You slap your hands on whatever is closest and shake that little booty. This creates the urge for me to kiss you all over your cute face, and I do. I love those soft cheeks. I love our daily bath and night routine. After each bath we lather you all up with your lavender nighttime lotion. And when I say we, I mean me AND you. You love rubbing it all over your tummy, (we call this “all the rubs of america”… I’m not sure quite why) and then you suck it off your hands, of coarse. Cause everyone knows lotion is a great bedtime snack. I rock you, and your sweet smelling self to sleep each night. I’ve stopped nursing you officially a week ago. It was so natural, for both of us. It was just time. We still cuddle though, just with your baba. You LOVE whole milk. Every time you see the bottle go into the microwave you start breathing as fast as you can and sometimes even start to cry if it is taking too long. Like I said, it was such an easy transition.

Other things you do that I don’t want to forget is how you rub food in your hair. I’d prefer you not to do this, but it is somewhat cute how you look at me whenever you are doing this like you know I’m about to give you a big reaction of “Brodyyyyy!” I want to remember how you sneak up to auntie relaxing on the couch and take a big bite on her toe, with or without socks. I’d also prefer you not to do this, but we all can’t resist cracking up once we hear your little laugh since you think this is so hilarious. I want to remember how your sock drawer is one of your favorite forms of entertainment. You take all of the socks out of your drawer, practice your tossing around the room, and then you put them away, all by yourself. It’s so funny, and such a relief on days I am tired and you want to play. I just take you to your sock drawer, and you will always have the best time. You also think it is hilarious to place things, like socks, on your head. You’ll balance them there until one of us says, “What’s on your head?” and then you grab the item off and show us with an excited grin. You love your pack play (where you are currently sleeping until the end of the month). You will sit in there for sometimes up to an hour after you wake up and just play and talk to your animals. You have a monkey named Kevin, he’s your favorite. I know when you are tired when you rub your fist in your eyes, or when you “arch-a-bod”, which mean when you arch your entire body making it stiff and impossible to maneuver. I know when you are sad when Dada leaves for work when you whine to have him hold you when you see him in his uniform and when you reach, on your tippy-toes, to the doorknob, after he shuts the front door. I know when you are being mischeivious when I hear you crawl, as fast as you can, down the hall and hear the bathroom door click shut. I know when you want something by the way you point with your tiniest pointer finger.

I am so excited for what this next year and more have in store for you, and for our little family. I love you so much Brody and am so glad that our Heavenly Father sent you down to me. You have been the greastest addition to my life and I wouldn’t change a thing. Happy Birthday, Baby. I love you, little bee.

Love, Momma

After a short 11 months of parenting, I feel like I have already learned so much.

I have learned unconditional love. Never before have I been so level minded when someone is screaming, on the top of their lungs, right into my face.

I have learned how to live without looking forward to the next time you get to sleep in. With a baby, and with children in general I’m assuming, sleeping in is just not what us moms get to do. At the beginning I used to long for a good sleep in, read a book, morning. I don’t let myself think that way anymore. It’s funny though, even if part of me wants to stay in bed just a little bit longer, Brody’s happy, excited face as sees me coming to get him from his bed makes waking up not so bad.

I have learned how to care for someone. On April 12, 2012, I was blessed with sweet, innocent Brody. I was given the responsibility to care for his every need. This totally freaked me out at first. But after 11 months, I can honestly say I love it now. It is a wonderful feeling to know that someone completely trusts and depends on you. It is a huge responsibility, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Right now I am working in the Nursery in my ward. It is the perfect calling because I get to bring Brody with me and he gets to socialize with all of the kids. Brody is still unsure about them all and the whole situation. Although, I have to admit I love when Brody gets a little unsettled and I can look down and see Brody looking up at me with his worried little blue eyes. His tiny hands grasp my dress as he pulls himself up and closer so that I can bend down pick him up. Once he is in my arms, he feels safe. I have never felt such a satisfying feeling before. To be the person someone looks for when they feel they are in danger. It is overwhelmingly crazy to think that I am that person to Brody.

So much has been on my mind lately.
Student teaching is finally over in less than a month.
We have made few friends here in Utah,
which makes us miss everyone we left in Rexburg.
Brody still doesn’t sleep through the night.
Nor does he sleep in his crib.
He sleeps cuddled next to me,
which is something I love and cherish,
since I know that someday I won’t have that cuddly baby to cuddle anymore.
However, Jeff frequently prefers the couch most nights,
whether it’s because he has a lot of homework,
gets home late from work,
or his sleep schedule is just totally out of wack..
either way, he just doesn’t want to wake our sleeping baby that is so often in our bed.
That is what is on my mind most now.

I love my little family.
I love my sister.
I love my grandparents,
who made the trip to see us on their way in Arizona.
My camera was dead the entire weekend,
which meant no pictures.
I’m regretting that.
They noticed how much he has grown.
This weekend made me reminisce on how little he used to be,
and how big he has already grown.
Twenty pound little guy, holy cow.
That’s as heavy as my grandparent’s, not exactly skinny, dog.
I know that a couple more months down the road,
I’ll look back and remember how small he is right now.
I keep thinking he is so big, and I hate thinking that he is just going to keep growing.

But boy is it so fun.
He is going to crawl anyday now.
I hold my breath that he doesn’t do it when I’m not home.
Oh I’d be so sad, so sad.
Right now he props himself up in downward dog position,
except it is on the top of his head and on his tiny tippy toes.
It’s so cute.
He get’s so frustrated,
which is also so cute.
Love him, love him, love him.

Another thing that is on my mind a lot,
is when to begin thinking about Brody having a little sister or brother.
I know most would think I’m crazy,
but I want so bad to have my kids close in age.
I watched my sisters be two years apart.
I watched how they were friends all through growing up.
I want that,
for all my children.
We talk about this a lot,
but I think we both feel a little nervous.
This semester with student teaching, Jeff in school, and Jeff working late shifts,
has been soooo hard.
Next semester is going to bring so many good things.
But time is still passing.
I feel like with each week it has been going faster and faster.

Today during church, tears were brought to my eyes.
Not the ones that are brought on by the spirit, like you may think.
But ones brought on by a belly giggling baby.

Brody is forcing us to say goodbye to the baby who used to sleep for two out of the three hours of church,
and hello to the anxious, bored easily, but still loveable baby he has recently become.
I am in denial.
This transition has been this way for awhile, but up until today, I have made Jeff lug around Brody’s carseat,
even though we both know better- there is no chance he is going to agree to fall asleep in there.
Today he was a grown up baby- one without his carseat.
Brody has gotten so heavy that it is almost more inconvenient to muscle him around in there, than to just hold him without it and hope for the best.

In the third hour, the hardest hour, Brody became a little celebrity.
During the Relief Society lesson, which by the way was a spirit filled lesson, at it’s best,
he became the crocky (my made up word) baby that we always dread in public situations.
This means he stiffens his body, sometimes doesn’t breath, turns his face all scrunchy, and whines.
Loud.
While little Brody isn’t a very loud baby, this usually comes unexpectedly.
Today it came when I was trying to find my name on the attendance roll.
The kind lady next to me, saw me struggling- clipboard in one hand, stiff baby in the other-
and rescued me by grabbing the little crocky and filling his attention with something else.
Brody quickly utilized his newly found grabbing skills, and reached for a folded up paper in the lady’s purse.
The lady took the paper out of her purse and fanned sweet, curious Brody.
I don’t know if it was the paper-made breeze, the fast movement through the air, or the very needed nap,
but the little folded paper was HILARIOUS.
The next twenty minutes were filled with:
fan baby,
loud burst of laughter,
fan baby,
loud burst of laughter.
I don’t think I have ever seen something so funny.
Everyone around us and throughout the room couldn’t help but laugh in response to the cute belly giggles coming from my little baby.
While the noise was embarrassing, and probably not appreciated by the teacher,
I knew that I should have taken him outside.
He was not being at all quiet, and probably took more than the acceptable amount away from the lesson, but I couldn’t leave that moment.
Brody brings so much joy to my life,
it is so fun to see him bring a little bit of joy to other people’s life as well.

With my diaper bag filled with toys, ready to grab at any moment,
who would have thought that a folded piece of paper was going to be the thing to do the trick.

While watching TV in the living room,
a little whine is heard from the baby monitor.
We gasp, look at each other, and smile with excitement.
“I want to get him.”
“No, it’s okay, I’ll get him.”
“Let’s just all go together.”
“Okay! Haha.”
The three of us make our quick decision, then venture to our awaited destination.
“THE LITTLEST!”
“The tiniest!!”
“Little Guyee Guy!”
“Little Buddy!”
He greets us with the cutest, take-your-breath away smile.

It never occurred to me until today, that this reoccurring order of events that I described above is probably not normal.

We, the three of us (Jeff, Quincy, and me), get SO excited when our little man wakes up.
No matter how long, or how hard, it was to put him to sleep, we all know how wonderful he is once he wakes up after a good sleep.
I just want to bottle up this moment, along with others like this, and keep them with me
so that on bad days I can open that bottle up and remember how something so simple
can make you so happy.

As I drive the long distance back from work,
I can’t wait to hear that little giggle and see that sweet smiley face.
On most days, Auntie has you down for your afternoon nap,
so I get home and wait anxiously for you to wake up.
Once the baby monitor sounds, I rush into your room,
& fall in love all over again.
My sweet little bee, how I adore you.
I can’t imagine anyway you could possibly be more perfect.

As I come closer to your swing, where you sleep most of the time these days,
I watch your excitement when you see my face smiling back at you.
Your sweet giggles make my day.
With your hands over your face, like you can’t handle the excitement any longer,
I pick your chubby little body up and you rest your little head on my shoulder.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t last long. How I wish for longer cuddles from you.
You are always on the move.

My favorite times are right after you wake up.
You are so happy, truly happy.
Happy like the world is good, and you wouldn’t know anything different,
I want to keep it that way.
For as long as possible.

Thank you little bee for loving me.
For loving me unconditionally.
For not holding it against me for leaving you every day for work.
It’s almost over. A month and a half, and we’ll have more of our mornings together.
The mornings are the best- I long for those sweet hours back.

You are growing so fast. Everyone warned/warns me about just that,
but I wish it weren’t so true.
I look at pictures of you when you were tiny-er. Little bee, you were so tiny.
Everyday though, I believe you get even cuter.
& I know you get even chubbier.
I want to bottle up the little happy little guy you are, and never forget.
Never forget your chubby cheeks.
Never forget your excited, silent claps.
Never forget your little sneezes.
Never forget your soft, pouty lips when you are asleep.
Never forget.

This month we will celebrate your first Halloween.
I’m so excited.
I know that future years you will enjoy holidays more,
but I love the kind of enjoyment you get out of things now.
The big curious eyed enjoyment.

Someday you will probably complain that there is a camera in your face too often.
That is why I am taking advantage of now.
I’m trying my best to soak up every moment, and make every memory.
But I know memories only last so long,
but pictures, videos, and journal entries help.

My little bee, thank you.

I can’t believe how quickly time has went by lately.
After putting our things in storage,
traveling with my Dad to Wyoming,
spending about a month in Washington visiting family,
retrieving our things from Rexburg,
and moving to Utah,
we have been very busy and have just begun to finally feel settled into our new lives.

Jeff is almost through his first two months of BYU classes.
He is working at a Provo McDonalds doing night shifts.

I’m teaching 7th grade math at Churchill Junior High School. (I’m loving it.)

Brody has gained 12 pounds since he has been born and is working hard to increase this every day.
He is also becoming very vocal with both baby sounds and giggles.

We are enjoying having Quincy live with us.
It is so fun for me to have one of my family members get to watch Brody grow.

While teaching is great, it makes me look forward to and savor each weekend.
I utterly miss spending each day with my little guy. I can’t wait until I can do that again.
He is growing so so fast. I can’t believe it.

It’s been so so busy around here I haven’t had time enough to even blog.
But I’m back, and I have LOTS to blog about!