I just love spending days like this with my little boy.
As much as I long to meet the little one inside of me, I am enjoying the alone time I get with Brody.
Today we went to the splash pad, which is one of his favorite things to do.
We meant to meet up with some friends, but plans fell through and it left just the two of us, spending some sweet moments at the park together.
He did some funny things- like how he kept insisting on licking the standing water off the cement bench,
or how he would walk as fast as he could across the hot concrete, until he couldn’t stand it anymore- he’d start to whine until I wrapped him up in my arms and explained how it was hot again and again,
or how he would watch all of the older kids with his big, bright eyes playing in the water and he would try to follow them as best as he could,
or how he would sometimes get so filled with excitement he couldn’t help but scream,
or how he’d make friends with the little 7 year old girls who wanted to pick him up and tickle his tummy- he’d get so excited when they’d come back to play with him again.

I love this little guy. I just love watching him be. When he is playing in the water, he gets so distracted by everything that is going on, I feel like he forgets that I’m right there with him at times. He is just so filled with wonder and excitement.

He plays for awhile and always, without a doubt, eventually looks around to make sure I’m still there- usually with a big grin on his face- like it is the happiest day ever. And then there are the times when everything just is too much and he’ll turn, look up, and put his arms up- wanting me to hold him for a little so he can have a little break from the water adventures. I love these sweet moments.

We walk back to our two towels, laying side by side in the shade, eat our snack and watch as the other kids continue to play in the water. I love just sitting there, in the great Utah summer weather, next to my little guy. I just want to soak in the way he is right now. It makes me sad that life won’t be like it is right now- when momma and Brody days are most days. I know the future will hold many great other types of days- but I sure do love these ones.

Brody’s chubby little feet kill me when I see them running and splashing through the water.

His face just makes me want to squeeze him so tight when he gets brave and tries to taste the water- only ending in getting sprayed up the nose and in the eyes by cold water. It takes his breath away, and it is just so darn cute.

Like many pregnant mommas, I’m sure, I have had a constant worry that something might go wrong inside of there.
On both pregnancies I’ve thought about the “what ifs”,
and continuously bothered Jeff with “what would we do if” questions…
While many times these worries are about the possible miscarriage,
more often they contain worries about if something is less than perfect with the baby.

When Brody was born, his hearing tests continuously failed in his left ear at the hospital.
This was so scary to me.
While I held this perfect little child, I was overwhelmed with the thought that even one little thing could be wrong with him.
I hated thinking about the chance that maybe I did something wrong while being pregnant to possibly cause this.
While everyone assured me that it had nothing to do with me… the thought still crossed this concerned momma’s mind.
I wondered if he would someday have to attend speech therapy.
I wondered that if he had a speech impediment, if the kids at school would make fun of him.
I wondered what other things he would encounter in his life that hearing loss in one ear may affect.
As I held my innocent, little baby, I prayed that this trouble would wash away from him.
I didn’t want him to have more struggles in this world than what was already waiting for him.

After a week, we took him in for more specilized, in-depth tests, and we found out that his ear was just clogged with liquid,
and it would eventually fix itself.
We had nothing to worry about.
I had nothing to worry about.
My perfect child, who had hearing in both of his ears, was now even more perfect.
Our prayers were answered on that day.

Jeff and I spent the day at Boy Scout Camp this morning.
There, I experienced something that I definitely did not expect.
We had a brand new Cub Scout attend our group.
(He just recently turned of age.)
Neither of us had met him, until he stepped out of the car with him mom, ready with a smile on his face and for a full day of fun.
This little eight year old boy had red hair,
four missing front teeth,
and big, bright eyes.
This little boy also had down syndrome.
I had no idea what all it would entail to care for a boy with this trial.

Jeff and I were the only leaders set off from our pack to care for these boys at camp.
Which meant we were fully responsible for this new little boy.
This scared me a little. I was nervous for the unexpected.

He slept in the car, with his head on his cousin’s shoulder, all the way to camp.
He had the sweetest, angelic look on his face as he slept.

As we stood together at opening ceremonies, the sun hadn’t reached the top of the mountains yet, so it was very chilly.
I squatted down beside him to see how he was doing, and he looked at me and said, “You look cold.”
He scooted a bit closer to me, and I knew at that moment that I liked this little boy, a lot.

While we went through out the day at camp, the little boy was so bright eyed at each and every event.
He watched intently to the other kids around him and joined right in with the rest of the boys.
At one point when they were doing the climbing wall, his job was to be a spotter.
And he was the best spotter there.
He cautiously watched his cousin climb the wall, encouraging him, and telling him where to put his foot next so that he would be safe.

We continued through the day, switching from activity to activity, and I watched how the counselors paid special attention to him.
I watched how everyone helped him just a little bit more and encouraged him more frequently than others.
I wondered how I would feel if I was a parent to a boy like him.
Would I feel bad that people had to spend extra time with my child?
Would I feel awkward when I had to let people know about his circumstance?

Even though the day included this little boy taking his shoe off and throwing it in a river,
this little boy taking a pair of scissors at arts and crafts under the table and cutting his hair,
this little boy continuously running away from me, playing hide-and-seek,
this little boy throwing objects like rocks, scissors, and dirt around,
and me being worried we’d lose track of him, or he’d get hurt, or that he’d accidentally hurt someone else,
I learned something much bigger than all of that…

At the closing ceremony, another little boy who was not a part of our pack,
came over to our boys and started to complain that our special little boy was “bullying him”.
He said that he wouldn’t stop looking at him and wouldn’t stop sticking his tounge out at him.
This complaining kid was getting on my nerves.
The cousins of our little boy stood up for him appropriately,
and I told the kid to go back to the pack and leave him alone.
The kid had no idea the circumstance of the boy that he was complaining about.
He didn’t know him.
He didn’t care.

But I did.
I realized, at that moment, how much love I had for this new little boy in our pack.
I loved everything about this little boy.
He was special, and he was perfect.

So many things that the boy would do, so many mannerizims, reminded me of Brody.
The way he reached up to Jeff when he was tired because he wanted to be held.
The way he ran around to the other sides of things and giggled as he knew I couldn’t catch him.
The way he had this look of pure awe when he saw someone do something that he had never seen before.

However, this little boy was so much easier to care for than Brody.
He could walk perfectly,
he could make model airplanes with the other kids,
he could understand when I told him to do things,
he could play with other eight year old kids,
he could feed himself,
and he could go to the bathroom by himself.
I love Brody more than anything I could ever imagine.
I love taking care of him, even though taking care of a baby isn’t always easy.

I realized, as I made these comparisons,
that if someday Heavenly Father gave me a child that was special like this boy I had met today,
that I would truly love that child with all of my heart,
just like I loved Brody.
I would care for that child like a loving momma should,
and I know that it wouldn’t be as hard as I had once imagined it might be,
to accept that child’s differences,
and understand that this child was sent down specifically to me.

I am so glad that I had this experience.
As much as I worry about things going wrong with my pregnancy
and with my new forming little baby,
today I gained a testimony that we are sent children that are meant for us.
Heavenly Father understands what we can handle.
He knows our love capacity.
Sure, I will still worry, and I will still be cautious about things I do during pregnancy,
but I now have an assurance that things will work out.
There is a plan.

Being a momma makes me think of things much differently than I ever did before.
It makes me look at the world with more caring and loving eyes.

My heart was full today.

 

Tomorrow is my last day of teaching my math class.

As I was preparing the activity that I plan to have them do on their final day of seventh grade, it made me reminisce a little bit.

I’m having them make an origami x-faced cube (I couldn’t bare even one day without some type of math), and then I’m going to have them finish this sentence on a little piece of paper: “If there is one thing I want to remember about seventh grade, it would be…” Then I want them to fold it up, and put it inside their little box for a keepsake.

I want to talk to them about how these moments-
seventh grade,
Junior High friendships,
carefree attitudes…
-go by way too fast, and in ten years, many of those memories will be gone, even when you try to think back upon them.

I know some will roll their eyes and do the assignment just for the credit in the class. But others I hope will write something meaningful that they might read years later, perhaps causing a flashback of what their life once was like, so long ago. I wish I had more of those things written down.

I tried to think about what I might have written down in an assignment such as this one. Probably nothing too important, but it would be meaningful just the same, because things that seem unimportant now once had huge importance back in my seventh grade year. Things such as
boys,
clothes,
music,
acceptance issues,
parent problems,
sibling problems,
hair problems,
diet issues,
confusion,
life’s many directions,
fitting into the right groups,
making the right choices,
making the wrong choices…
some of these have faded,
while some of these are still present in this completely different life I am living right now.

Dear 13 Year Old Me,

First of all, stop worrying so much.
You worry about making the wrong choices.
You worry about not being a good example for your younger sisters.
You worry about what others may think of you.
You worry that you aren’t good enough.
Just stop, because most of that worrying is so unnecessary.

You are at a place in your life that you can live, without all of that worry.

You are great at making friends.
Remember how to stay like this because in the future, you will need this skill.
You are so lucky to have the friends you do.
Not many kids at your age can say that they grew up with such an awesome, close-knit, group as you did. 
You struggle with finding acceptance within yourself, and they definitely help with that.

Setting your friends aside, be yourself. 
The people around you don’t need to accept everything about you.
It is okay if they don’t.
Don’t be scared to share your real opinions and thoughts with others.
They will appreciate your ability to be honest with them.
I know that is hard sometimes, especially when you are caught between doing the right thing, 
and still being “cool”, 
but in the end, the honesty is what really matters.
The honesty, to yourself and to your values, will be what makes you proud of yourself later in life.

With your life at school, and your life with your friends,
don’t forget your life with your family.
As much as they annoy you now,
you will love them and appreciate them much more if you learn to get along with them.
Remember that while the friend memories are great,
the family memories are just as, if not even more, important.
Don’t take the good family that you were blessed with for granted.
It will only make you sad later on.

Get to know your sisters. 
They are the ones that in ten years, you will love to stay up late talking with.
They are the ones that in ten years, you will want to call up and vent to.
They are the ones that in ten years, will still be there following your every life detail.
They are the ones that in ten years, will understand you- 
where you are, 
where you come from, 
and where you are going.
There is nothing like the blessing of a sister,
and you are so lucky- you have been blessed with two great ones!

Love your mom.
Love your dad.
They know you so well.
You are going to make mistakes- big mistakes.
But they will still be there for you. 
I promise.
When it feels like there is no one else, they will be there.

Gain a testimony.
You will be thankful you did later.
Stand strong to that testimony, because in the end, it will carry you through.

And again, stop worrying.
Someday you will marry the man of your dreams.
So stop being attracted to guys that aren’t good enough for you.
Because believe it or not, a guy that deserves you is out there.
And you two will be so happy.
It’s going to be fun, 
really.

Just love everyone. You have an opportunity to be different from the people around you.
Embrace that fact, and stop trying to be the same.  

With love,
23 Year Old Karli
 
P.S. 
Just wait until you hold your first son in your arms for the very first time. 
You will love him so much, 
and better yet, he will love you back, 
just as much. 
He will love you no matter how many friends you have. 
So learn to love yourself. 
There is so much more to life then what you know right now.

It is so easy for me to get caught up in the lives of others with their fancy cruises,
and trips,
and clothes,
and homes,
and decor,
and accessories,
and their cute baby gear,
and their lifestyles..
that sometimes I get distracted, look around at our small apartment,
and can’t help myself but feel a little bit down.

Jeff and I are working so hard, both with two jobs,
while working around having a one year old at home,
without daycare.
Jeff is still finishing up his degree right now, so money is tight.
We are constantly living on a budget, doing our best not to take out any loans for school.

It’s hard, and I have to constantly remind myself that it is worth it.

I know that when I’m looking -and envying- the lives of others,
I am not allowing myself to enjoy all of the good that I have right now.

I catch myself saying phrases like, “Someday, when…”
And I just need to stop.
I need to slow down because I know that life, right now, isn’t all that bad.
We have everything that we need- a little apartment, lots of love, and food at every meal.
We even get to do fun things too, maybe not on an airplane or boat,
but here in our small college town, together as a family of three.
Life as we know it now will never happen again.

So when I stare at pictures of beautiful living rooms and fully remodeled kitchens,
and catch myself drooling,
I just need to stop.
Seriously stop.
Because until my life allows such glorious things like this,
they aren’t things even worth thinking about.

What I should be doing instead is playing in the park with my son,
or going on walks with Jeff,
or taking millions of pictures of all of these moments that are never going to happen again.

Jeff is so good at going with the flow and enjoying life everyday.
I envy this about him.
Rarely does he have a bad day,
which is one big reason why I chose to marry him.
Seeing a smile on his face every single day, definitely makes my life feel happier…
even without all of those things waiting patiently on my wish list.

They will come.
But once they do, right now will be gone.
I just need to stop.

Some days I can’t help but notice how much of a daddy’s boy Brody is.
And while that is so nice,
and fun,
and sweet,
and cute…
for Jeff,
it sometimes sucks for me.
Where was that sweet momma-loving nursing baby I once knew?

I knew, I KNEW, this would happen.
Or so I told myself as I sat in our rocking chair, cherishing those sweet baby cuddle moments.
I knew that one day Brody might not want to cuddle his momma as much…
but did I really take it seriously?
I am finding out that I never truly believed that moment would ever happen.
And then today happened…

We went to the water park- Jeff, Brody, and me.
It was opening day and the weather was perfect!
Both Jeff and I were SO excited to bring Brody there and show him the bright colors, the water, the waves, and the people!
We started at the wave pool. I got the honors of carrying him first to go see it.
He liked touching the water and watching all of the kids scream as the waves got nearer to the shore.
He was feeling a bit adventurous, at first, until he decided to crawl into the waves,
causing a not-so-fun head under the water crawl that ended by him looking up at me with his arms in the air, wanting me to pick him up right that instant.
That was the end of Mr. Adventerous.
And then he saw Dada.
He reached over for him to take him, and left Momma feeling lonely without her little guy.
That was the first thing, it gets worse.

So Dada went and rented us all a double tube so that we could float in the wave pool.
That was so relaxing!!
But Brody was a bit nervous, and also a bit cold,
so all he wanted to do was curl up on top of Dada and cuddle into him.
Dada was starting to feel bad and used his best encouraging voice to say, “Brody, you want to go over and lay with Momma?!”
He handed him over to me, and Brody continued to reach back to Dada,
until he took matters into his own hands and crawled away from me, back to Dada’s spot,
pushing his little feet into my side to get there.
Once over to Dada, he laid his little head on his chest and cuddled right back in.
How sweet. 😦

It’s fine. I will be okay. I’m not toooo heart broken, just a little though.

I remember when Brody was first born how he would cry and cry until I returned home.
I remember how that made Jeff feel and how it made me feel bad as well that Brody chose me over Jeff.
Oh, how that tables have turned!!

Every time Brody sees Jeff get ready for work, he starts to whine.
As he puts on his work belt, the whines increase.
As he puts on his work hat, Brody stands beneath him and wants him to pick him up.
As he puts on his work shoes, the whines start into a little cry.
And when the door shuts, and all he is left with is me, the babysitter, he screams for Dada.
I’m left with a sad little guy who I have to distract in order for him to be happy again.
All this does for me is brings back many memories of babysitting and the sorrows that come when the parents leave for the evening.

Jeff is the star in our house.
Every time Jeff is home, Brody is following him like a little shadow.
If he goes into the bathroom and shuts the door, heaven forbid,
Brody screams and scratches at the door until he is forced to invite him in…
or Momma comes and takes him to another room.
(Brody doesn’t like that second option.)

Sometimes I think to myself that maybe I’m just not fun like Dada.
Maybe Brody just doesn’t want to be around me.

And then there are the other days that Brody and I are playing,
and Brody crawls over, sits on my lap, and gives me the sweetest cuddle…
then all is well again.

And then there are the other days when Brody bumps his head
and immediately crawls over to me, pointing to where it hurts,
and I kiss it better and he is happy again.

I love my Daddy’s boy, even if he is sort of a Daddy’s boy.

Momma’s Boy                                                                   Dada’s Boy

Boy, was it hard to get three little ones to sit in one spot and smile/look at the camera at the same time! My Brody was definitely the most difficult. By the end of our session I was literally sweating from jumping, dancing, and making silly noises behind the photographer, trying to get the kids attention, and chasing speedy crawling little Brody all around the room while he refused to stay with his cousins. But jeez, aren’t these pictures cute anyways? A little sweat never hurt anyone. 🙂

This past weekend we were lucky enough to have Jeff’s family come into town. One of my favorite parts of the trip was getting to see Brody interact with his sweet cousins. Brody adored them and loved to watch what they were doing the whole time that they were here. He just loves being around other children.

Taking three kids with us on all of our many activities was a ton of work compared to our normal one kid trips. It made me think about what life is going to look like for Jeff and me in just a few months. Two kids! That is going to definitely be different. As I watched my sister-in-law chase after her two girls, be pulled in separate directions, worry about each child for different reasons, it made me wonder if I am going to be able to handle this huge commitment.

Now, I am already pregnant, there is no turning back now. I know that. I’m in for it, and I am going to make this momma-of-two thing work, even if it drives me insane… however this doesn’t mean that I don’t worry. Boy, do I worry.

I worry that I won’t have enough time for each of my kids.
I worry that I am not going to be able to build the strong momma-baby relationship with my second that I have with Brody.
I worry about what I am going to occupy Brody with while I’m feeding the new baby.
I worry that the new baby is going to throw off Brody’s world as he knows it, and that it will make Brody sad.
I worry that I’m just going to be a stressed out mess trying to figure out how to coordinate not only only baby’s schedule, but two.
I worry that the new baby and I won’t have as many special moments like Brody and I do.

I worry that our house won’t be as happy anymore. That it will be too busy.
I worry that I won’t be able to soak in the monumental moments that Brody has, or the new baby has, because I’ll be too busy paying attention to the other one.
Will I mix up their names and make them feel like I love them less?
I worry that I won’t think my next kid is as adorable as Brody is. Do I have more love inside of me to amount to the love that I already have for Brody?
Will I forget one at the park because I’m used to just pushing one around in the stroller?

I worry about all of these things and much, much more. I know, I know, you are saying in your head that I am worrying too much. That when the new baby comes that he/she will just fit into our family like they were always there to begin with. You are saying that Brody will learn to love his new sibling and I will not have a problem loving that new baby as well. But what if you are wrong? What if getting pregnant was just a terrible mistake and Jeff and I should have waited a few years??

While these things spiral through my head, especially when I see other families with more than one kid, I am also so excited for this new adventure.
I can’t wait to hold that new, innocent little baby in my arms for the first time.
I can’t wait to see Jeff’s proud daddy face when he sees his son or daughter in the hospital on that special day.
I can’t wait to quietly watch Brody alone with the baby.
I can’t wait to teach Brody how to be gentle and loving with this new little person.
I can’t wait to set up a room full of both baby and toddler toys.
I can’t wait to walk my two precious children in a double stroller.
I can’t wait to squeeze in the backseat between the two car seats on a not so peaceful car trip.
I can’t wait to let Brody help me with the new baby and watch him fall in love with this other piece of him.
I can’t wait to have Brody and the babe become good friends since they will be so close in age.

This lifestyle change will definitely cause some learning experiences on this momma’s end. I have no idea how I’m going to do it. But I WILL do it. I have to. Two little, young, innocent souls are counting on me, and I definitely don’t want to let those sweet children down.

I just want to remember a this sweet moment I had with Brody a few nights ago…

Family came to town this past weekend and while this is always so much fun to see relatives, and especially for me to watch them interact with Brody, it does make me a little more stressed and a little less relaxed. I am a person who likes to attempt to make things go perfectly, and when they don’t, which they never do, I sometimes lose it. This was one of those times.

After a busy day full of fun, nonstop activities (including shopping for a new car-what a stress in itself), Jeff and his family dropped Brody and I off at home since it was late and way past Brody’s very scheduled bedtime. When Brody’s off schedule, this momma doesn’t cope well. I like Brody’s schedule, or should I say live for Brody’s schedule. So as flexible as I try to be when we have visitors or some other event that forces us out of the schedule, I inevitably get stressed out. On top of it, we had been out all day, so Brody hadn’t eaten as much as he normally does. (I have learned from this experience to always pack a special lunch/dinner of food and snacks just for Brody, for the times the adult food isn’t the easiest to feed to a toddler.) This also added to my stress and worry. So after a rushed dinner, and a quick bath, I finally started to rock him to sleep with a bottle. I closed my eyes and tried to wish my pounding headache away in Brody’s peaceful, dark room.

He was hungry, more hungry than I think both him and I thought. He drank 10 ounces in a flash. While I was rocking him while singing our favorite Primary songs, the dreaded happened. Brody started to gag, and cough, and whimper, and oh no, yes, barf. He barfed all of the food and all of the full bottle he had just consumed all over me, all over himself, all over his hair, all over the boppy, all over the material covered rocking chair, all over the floor, then all over the changing table, then all over the bathtub, then all over the side, both sides, of the bathtub… Me, being exhausted from the full day with relatives, rinsed and bathed crying (and screaming) Brody, once again, trying to hold back my frustrations, knowing that I needed to put this baby to bed and then be ready to enjoy the company that we had afterwards. I was so tired. I had to strip myself of my vomit clothes as well, and now I had the stress of how I was going to get another set of clothes for myself without revealing everything to my in-laws that were visiting, who may or may not have gotten home yet. I was praying everyone would just take their time returning. This was definitely not the got-it-all-together-Karli I liked to pretend to be at all times. (Also being pregnant, I’m sure, didn’t help this situation.)

Anyway, I finally got Brody cleaned up, and wrapped in a towel. He smelled heavenly, especially compared to the rancid stench that everything else in the world reeked of. I just need to sit, so I sat, with my baby wrapped up in my arms, with only his tiny face peering out beneath the soft white towel. I just held him, and I started to cry. Let’s be honest… I uncontrollably bawled my eyes out. I looked down at Brody, my sweet baby. The roles of crying usually were reversed.  He just starred up at me and I took in all of his innocence. He just looked at his very sad momma and laid very very still. As tears ran down my face, I remember just closing my eyes and smelling his sweet lavender scented baby wash. I then felt a tiny, soft hand reach up and touch a tear on my face. This made me cry even more, however instead of tears of exhaustion and frustration, it turned into tears of overwhelming love. That, at that moment, was all I needed. (I’m tearing up now thinking about this sweet moment.)

My little guyee guy. I know that he was sent down to me for a reason. We know each other so well and not only do I take care of him, but he somehow takes care of me as well.

Lately he has been giving out some major cuddles. He will be playing with his toys, and spontaneously turn around to look at me, crawl over, and give me a hug. I fall in love with him just a little bit more everytime this happens. How could something so young be so wise and alert to his small world around him? I love this little man, and gosh, I love being a momma.