Bowie Lee: A Birth Story

Karli’s Side of the Story:

I have never been one to really believe in things like coincidences, serendipity, or other happenings that people like to believe were created by rainbows and butterflies. I guess you could say that I’m a realist in that way.

The thing is though, Bowie’s birth story has changed so much for me. It has changed my outlook on life, my belief in a higher power, and my overall thankfulness of this precious life we get to enjoy, not someday, but right now. You know those movies like The Butterfly Effect? I have always loved those – the ones that make you really think. The funny thing is, even though I have always enjoyed watching them, I never could ever say I could relate to the types of life experience depicted in those movies.

That now has changed. Two weeks ago, Jeff and I came so close to losing a loved one. For months of my pregnancy I had felt as though we would be bringing our baby home in a tiny coffin, instead of a carseat that looked much too big for our growing little bee. As I write this story down, I’m currently sitting in the NICU, with Jeff across the room from me holding sweet Bowie Lee being nourished by her feeding tube. This experience has brought us more close than any other event we have experienced together.

So where to begin… where to begin… there were so many small blessings, coincidences if you may, that led up to the arrival of Bowie. The reasons for these occurrences were not clear at the time, but after the fact? It sends me to my knees thinking about it all. Experiences like this don’t happen just by chance. I know that there is a reason that Bowie is here with us today, cuddling in Jeff’s arms, and smiling intermittently during her slumber.

It was Brody’s seventh birthday. He woke up to presents on the counter and excitement from his sisters wanting to know what toys were hidden inside. I had the day off, coincidently, because my doctor’s appointments (ultrasound, NST, and OB appointment) landed in the middle of the day with breaks in between, so it forced me to take a full day off. I was okay with that though, especially with it being Brody’s birthday.

I was so happy to take Brody and Bonnie to school that day. We stopped at Akin’s and got donuts for a special birthday breakfast. For some reason, I think because of anticipation nerves for my appointments later that day, I didn’t feel like buying a donut for myself. Blaire was done with her’s in two seconds though – so I had a little bite of what was leftover, and threw the rest away.

We had made candy kabobs for Brody’s class that day. As we entered the classroom, a little late for school (whoops), his classmates broke out into cheers. They were so happy to see the Birthday Boy arrive at school finally. (First graders are so cute.) After dropping off Brody, I drove across town and got Bonnie dropped off at preschool. Then I went home, saw Jeff still tucked away into bed, gave Blaire her iPad, and climbed in with him. I had been so tired during this pregnancy. Between being pregnant, and having Lupus, my over full-time work schedule really was taking a lot out of me.

Before I knew it, my alarm went off and it was time for me to start driving the 40 minute drive to the doctor’s clinic. I considered taking Blaire with me, just to give Jeff a little break, but decided against it when I thought about how long of a day it would be for her. Looking back, I’m SO incredibly glad I didn’t bring her. Not today.

As I was driving through town on my way to head to Wenatchee, a motorcycle police officer pulled me over. He showed his jerk-side, and gave me a ticket for using my phone at a stop light. So that sucked, but honestly I wasn’t in the mood to tell a sob story or anything else. Therefore, I just accepted the ticket and drove away while calling my clinic to let them know that I would be fifteen minutes late now. Yay.

During the ultrasound, I could tell that the ultrasound technician was checking things very carefully. It was taking awhile, and she kept going over and over the part with the blue and red blood. This is the area where they check on the umbilical cord. With a slightly worried face, she let me know that she would be right back and that she was going to go show the doctor the ultrasound pictures. As I waited in the ultrasound room, shirt up exposing my shiny jelly stomach, I felt worried.

But at the same time, I felt relieved.

I already KNEW something was wrong. I had known for months that something was wrong. When my doctor would end the appointments with a, “See you next Friday, but like always, if you feel worried about something or if you aren’t feeling your baby move, make an appointment to come back sooner!” and then I’d leave while questioning to myself, “Does she want me to walk out these clinic doors, then turn around immediately since I don’t feel one bit good about this pregnancy and since I am always worried?” And as far as the movement of the baby goes? On top of having an anterior placenta, I literally never feel her move.

As I waited on the ultrasound bed, wondering what she would come back and say, I looked forward to having some validation, finally, for how I had been feeling through the latter part of this pregnancy. The ultrasound technician returned, let me know that my doctor was busy with an emergency c-section, but that she had showed a different doctor instead. He just said to make sure I was present at my NST test later that day, and that Dr. Rohrbach would be back by then.

I had an hour to kill. While I had initially planned to go get lunch during this break, I didn’t feel like doing that at all. So I sat in my car, updated my family on our group text string, called Jeff, and called Quincy. I just wanted to talk so that the time would pass quicker, but I definitely didn’t feel like driving around or eating.

The NST test turned out to not be very reassuring. I found out that the BPP ultrasound test scored a 4/8, which is not very good at all. And so with the NST score combined with it, we were at a 4/10 – no bueno. This was a drastic change from the week before where I had been given a score of 10/10.

“I’m a bit worried,” I expressed to my doctor as she looked at the long paper recording the baby’s heart rate.

“To be honest, I am too. If I had my way, I’d keep you on monitors until you delivered the baby. But I know that isn’t very realistic since we are over 3 weeks away from your indiction date.” I love my doctor so much. I love her honesty, straight forwardness, and how she always makes me feel listened to.

She decided at that point that she didn’t want to stop monitoring me. She then sent me over to check into Labor and Delivery and let me know that she would really like me to stay there overnight. “Should I go home and pack an overnight bag?” Since home was 45 minutes away, she advised me not to do that and to instead just go straight to L and D. Alrighty then, this day got a lot more interesting all of a sudden.

I remember feeling calm as I laid on the hospital bed, looking around me, and wondering if this was a similar room to the one I had delivered Blaire in. Everyone kept asking me when was the last time I had eaten. I was so embarrassed – What pregnant lady goes almost all day long without eating? I promise you, this was not a normal day of eating for me! I’d reply that the last time I’d eaten was during breakfast, and that my day had just been so busy with the tests and everything. I didn’t let them know that the “breakfast” I was talking about was a single bite of donut though.

I entertained myself by writing a post on Facebook about what was going on, and shortly afterward, I got a text for Mary Anne, a lady from the church to ask if I wanted some company. I said yes, and she came over a few hours later. I was thankful to have her there to pass the time with and also to be another set of ears when doctors or nurses came by to check on me, ask me questions, and explain details.

All of a sudden, around 6pm, a doctor came in and explained, slightly more clearly, about what was going on. I was currently 33 weeks + 4 days. The Wenatchee Hospital (where I was at currently) only delivered babies who were older than 34 weeks. It surprised me that 3 days made such a huge difference to them, and plus, I just thought I was there for monitoring, not to deliver the baby. It was wayyyy too early for that. I still had three weeks until our planned 37 week induction! Either way, I figured that this was regular hospital protocol stuff, and they were just talking about all the possibilities.

Looking back on this moment, I should have taken the nurses and doctors a lot more seriously. They gave me a steroids shot in my right hip and explained that I would need another dose the following day for it to have the full effect. The steroids were supposed to help grow the baby’s lungs quicker in the case that we had to deliver the baby soon. I agreed to the steroid, still assuming I was only there for monitoring, and still under the impression that nothing was a big deal.

Another nurse came in, and again, checked to see if I had eaten anything that day. Embarrassed, I told her that I hadn’t eaten since 8:00 am that morning, but that it wasn’t normal for me not to eat, and that I really was a caring pregnant momma usually. The nurse told me that they were going to put me on a magnesium drip line, and she warned me that it would probably make me feel nauseous and a bit out of it for awhile. She felt bad that I was having this happen on an empty stomach, so she snuck me in some saltines, red jello, and a red popsicle. (Bless her.)

I couldn’t stomach the sugar in the popsicle, and so there it sat, melting in an empty water cup. The sight of that red liquid made my stomach hurt even more.

Meanwhile, Jeff was at home getting the kids ready for bed when I asked Mary Anne to give him a call after the Wenatchee doctor told me that they had decided to schedule me to be air flighted to Seattle. What the heck? This was all so dramatic. Why were they sending me all the way to Seattle for monitoring? Couldn’t I stay here? Yes, they don’t want to deliver a 33 week old baby, but I wasn’t going to have this baby this weekend anyway.

I’m sure Jeff was frantically trying to get the house ready, his bag packed, the kids in bed, and make a plan as to who would watch the kids when he left and they waited for his parents to arrive. (Jeff’s parents were at a Mariners game that night, and right after the game started, they got a call from Jeff letting them know that he needed their help, and that he would be going to Wenatchee to fly in the plane with me over to Seattle. Jeff’s parents left the game straightaway, even after spending $70 on tickets, and made it to our house at 10pm. We luckily have good neighbors and our friend, Kyle Slusher, was able to sit at our house while the kids slept.)

Jeff arrived, and we all did more waiting. The doctor had thought that the plane would be ready to leave at 9pm, but it ended up being more like 11:30pm before we got word that we would begin the transfer.

Finally the transporters from UW arrived, and worked to switch everything over to their equipment. It took a long time, and again, I was just confused as to why all of this was necessary in order to monitor me over the weekend. I was under the impression that they would watch me over the weekend and on Monday, the day that the baby turned 34 weeks, we would return to Wenatchee and I would continue to be closely monitored. Was flying in an airplane to Seattle for a couple days really worth all the trouble?

It felt like it took forever to get everything switched over. It was also interesting to listen to the banter back and forth of the employees from each hospital trying to tell the other one what the correct thing to do was. I remember I was placed on my left side, since the baby’s heart rate stayed more stable like that, wrapped in thick blankets, like a burrito, and had four seat belts around me, my legs stomach, chest… I was definitely secure. They also attached this very industrial tray type of piece over the top of my thighs that held the computer that was monitoring my and the baby’s vitals. The tray pressed against my legs uncomfortably, but I didn’t dare move because I didn’t want to effect the baby’s heart rate while we traveled. My right leg eventually fell asleep, and that made it more comfortable.

It seemed like we were finally ready to head out, when the Wenatchee doctors demanded that I needed to be monitored again for 10 minutes before we could leave. That was the most awkward 10 minutes of my life. All of the doctors and transporters standing around my gurney watching the minutes pass by until they finally got the go ahead that we could leave.

Jeff and I had never been in an ambulance before. But here we were – about to experience two ambulances and one personal airplane. I remember I felt pretty weird being wheeled everywhere. I was like a princess on my thrown and everyone had to roll me, lift me, and make sure I was safe wherever we went. The ambulance was not very sturdy. They apologized in advance, and they were right. I barely remember the ride there, but I know that I felt very nauseous and very thankful that Jeff was with me.

The employees that rode with us, and eventually got us safely there, were all so nice. I could tell that they cared about me, the baby, and also about Jeff. The plane was small. They lifted me inside, turned my bed 90 degrees, and secured me inside. The monitor was still showing my stats and the transporters were watching it carefully. I wonder what they would have done if they saw that the baby’s heart rate had dropped. Were they doctors? I have no idea, and at the time I didn’t know that I should be concerned about anything like that. After all, we were just doing this so that I could lay in another hospital bed with sensors on my stomach.

There was three seats to my right inside the plane. So two transporters, Jeff, and then behind me, I don’t know what all was behind me (at the front of the plane), but I could hear at least the pilot up there. They gave us all headphones and warned us that it was going to be really loud. They didn’t have a pair for Jeff, but he had his earbuds. However, I guess those didn’t do too much for him. The male transporter told me to raise my hand if I needed anything on the way because he wouldn’t be able to hear me. I wondered how I would be able to effectively raise my hand, on account of them being seat belted down, but I just nodded my head wanting this trip to be over with.

After about 20 minutes into the flight, I knew that I was going to barf. I tried to raise my hand, but only Jeff noticed. Later he told me that he thought that I wanted him to take a picture of me. Thanks, Jeff, lol. He was no help, so I worked to get the attention of the male transporter. Finally I did, and I motioned to him that I was going to puke. The man grabbed a puke bag, but his hands were kind of shakey and he was having trouble getting the bag open. Meanwhile I was about ready to explode. I started vomiting down my neck and on front of my gown, catching the rest of it in the hard-to-open bag. The throw up was bright red, and at first the woman transporter thought that I was puking up blood. Nope, it was just red jello.

We finally landed in Seattle, and they wheeled me out of the plane, lifting me and setting me down, and ordering each other to do different things. The pilot, I remember, had a very positive attitude. He was joking around and really lightened the mood for everyone. Maybe he was annoying for everyone else? But for me, I enjoyed the way he was so friendly and funny.

They lifted me into the second ambulance, locked me in, warned me that it was about to be super bumpy, and slammed the doors behind us. Jeff sat in front next to the driver, and I could hear him having a big conversation about past jobs, and our future plans. Listening to them talk, all I wanted to do was tell him to shut up. I felt so sick and I didn’t want to think about anything in the future at that moment. I just felt like I was going to die. WHY were we traveling all the way to Seattle? It was the middle of the night and all of this was so DRAMATIC.

Finally, the ambulance stopped, they lifted me out, and rolled me onto the sidewalk. I will say, these transporters were STRONG. I felt bad that I weighed so much for them. We waited outside the first floor of the hospital to be let inside. The air was cold, but it felt SOOOO good. They kept apologizing for the weather through this whole transportation process, but the wind and the breeze definitely helped calm my nauseousness and made me feel alive again. I could breathe!

Finally the doors of the hospital opened, and a young woman with glasses tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I’m Allison. I’m going to be your nurse while you are here.” She immediately felt like my friend. I felt comfortable there with her walking next to me, and I thought hey, maybe this all was going to be kind of fun.

We rolled in and out of the elevator, through doors, around corners, and in different hallways. Finally we got to the labor and delivery room. It was a long room, and when I asked Allison why it was so long, she replied, “Oh it is? I never noticed. I guess its because it doesn’t feel very long when all the people are in here.”

“All the people? What people?”

“Oh, this is a teaching hospital.”

“Oh, okay.” I had no idea what the heck she was talking about. Good thing I wasn’t delivering here though, because I didn’t necessarily want “all the people” watching me push out a baby.

Allison stood at her computer and asked me a bunch of regular doctor type questions about my past medical history, allergies, etc. She was nice and funny, and I felt so at ease around her. People kept coming in and out of the room. I think that they were doctors and stuff, but I wasn’t quite sure. They mentioned doing another ultrasound to look at the baby, and I felt relief flow through me. I really wanted to see how the baby was doing in there. They were freaking me out, just a little bit, of how important they were making me feel. Then again, we had traveled all the way to Seattle, we should probably at least get an ultrasound while we were here.

Plus, the ultrasound I got in Wenatchee felt like it had been an eternity ago. I really wanted to see how the baby was doing in there, especially after the journey to get to Seattle. I also just had a bad feeling about things and felt this racing feeling. It didn’t help that the monitor to my right kept beeping in a way that sounded concerning. I tried to ignore the beeping, because I knew that the monitors were always making weird noises that didn’t mean much, but did they mean anything in this case? And why exactly were all people who were coming in and out of the room looking at the monitor so much? Was anyone going to clue Jeff or I on what was going on. It was 2:00am, and I didn’t know what in the world was happening.

Jeff was on the phone with my parents. They said that they planned to book a hotel in Seattle for the night. I told Jeff, “No way. Nothing is going to happen tonight. They are just doing monitoring and I don’t want the pressure of wishing something would happen because they were making such an effort to come here.” Oh, if only I knew…

All of a sudden, things seemed to pick up.

A younger man, with longer hair, and a blue hair net on his head, sat down on the opposite side of the couch from Jeff. He had a fanny pack type purse strapped around his waist and he sat up very straight. He had a friendly, laid back face, and I immediately felt comfortable with who he was just by the way he presented himself. He introduced himself as an Anesthesiologist. He asked me if I had experience with epidurals before. I told him that I had, but that it wouldn’t be necessary for this potential delivery. My birth before was easy and quick, and the recovery was even easier. I attributed this to the fact that I didn’t use any form of pain medication, so I planned to do the same with this upcoming birth experience. He let me know that he understood, and then continued to explain the other options he could provide to help with pain, like general anesthesia, if the opportunity presented itself.

I laid there wondering why he was even telling me about all this? I mean, I just told him that I didn’t want the epidural, so why would I be interested in hearing about the other options he had available? I politely thanked him for the information, glancing at Jeff in confusion, and the Anesthesiologist left the room. This hospital was weird. Was this what people talked about when they would say that birth centers were better because pain options were not as readily available? Why were they presenting all the options to me immediately when I arrived? On top of it all, I was just there for simple monitoring for a couple days until I could return back to Wenatchee.

Right after he left, two women sat down in the same spot on the couch across from Jeff. The ladies got a run down on who I was, my medical history, and what had brought me to their hospital that night. They spoke about how the baby’s heart rate was concerning to them, but how they had hoped that I would stay pregnant long enough for the steroid shots to have their full cycle. Well duh we would be waiting until that long at least – that was only 2 days away from right now. They also explained that if the heart rate monitoring didn’t become more reassuring, that there was a possibility that they would need to deliver the baby due to fetal distress. They mentioned having to do this via cesarean delivery, and also mentioned the risk of a possible classical hysterotomy due to severe IUGR. Hysterotomy… did she mean Hysterectomy? Why would that have to happen? Oh well, I don’t think I need to worry about any of this anyway. I’m not going to ask any questions. They are just working through their required conversations with new patients… I think. The two doctors thanked us for our time, and left the room.

Next sat down another lady. What was this? A parade of some sort? Never before had I ever been made to feel so important as I did in that hospital bed. She introduced herself as someone from the Neonatology Department. What in the world was that department? I listened as she spoke to me about what she had to offer us, in the case that we would need her services. Eventually I connected the dots and realized that she was talking about the possibility of my baby being admitted to the NICU. She reminded us that there was a high possibility that this would happen due to prematurity and intrauterine growth restriction.

She continued to explain what the NICU services would provide during the time of delivery, such as who all would be present there inside the delivery room, and also inside a nearby room called the ISR room. She also explained the different supports that our baby might need, such as positive pressure ventilation and intubation. Then she talked about all of these different things that our baby would experience in the NICU, such as the possibility of a ventilator, nasal CPAP, nasal cannula. She explained the benefits of breastmilk for premature babies, and the importance of kangaroo care. Both of these things sent some relief through me, because while this hospital was strange, at least they promoted good things like breastfeeding and skin-to-skin. After, she asked if we had any further questions or concerns for her, and then she exited the room. While the lady seemed nice, I was left still feeling just so confused.

All of a sudden, the two ladies from before sat down again, but this time they kept glancing up towards the monitor sitting behind me while they spoke. They started talking a lot about Cesarean deliveries, and eventually made it clear that was what they were recommending for our current situation. They explained how they felt that the risk of a stillborn birth for us was high, and that they were certain that we would need to take this route in order to avoid that happening. Hearing the words “stillborn birth” come out of the doctor’s mouth sent chills down my spine. They continued to explain the different risks that a cesarean delivery would bring such as bleeding, possible blood transfusion, infection, damage to nearby organs, blood clots, and the potential of a classical hysterotomy. 

Okay, okay, yes, we will do that. We will sign the papers, and we agree to do whatever is necessary to have this baby arrive here safely. “So is a vaginal delivery not possible?” I asked. They explained that due to the baby’s size, that it wasn’t safe to try to put the baby through the stress of contractions and everything else that a vaginal birth would require. “Oh, okay, yeah. That makes sense,” I replied, “And what about the ultrasound we were going to have to check on the baby?”

“We don’t have time to do that anymore.”

All of a sudden, Jeff spoke up, “Okay, wait, so when are you guys saying that this would happen?” 

The doctor turned to him and replied, “Within the hour.” 

Wow.

Okay.

Fear set in, even though I didn’t show it outwardly. I just laid there, and signed the paper to agree that I was okay with this happening. I mean, what option did I really have? So I guess my parents should be made aware that all of this was happening after all. And my sister! Oh, my sister! “Jeff, call Quincy.”

“But it’s super late. I don’t want to wake her up.”

“Call her Jeff, and if she doesn’t answer, then call Danny and tell him to wake her up. She will want to know!”

A few minutes later, they handed Jeff an outfit to put over his clothes. After a quick goodbye, I was rolled out of the room and into a real, legit, operation room, complete with super big bright lights, and filled with so much white objects that it was almost blinding. Thankfully, my nurse, Allison, was still with me. The familiarity of her face was reassuring for me. 

She had me sit on the edge of my bed with my back exposed and in the “cat” position. Right as I sat up though, I began to throw up. I couldn’t stop convulsing as they attempted to get the epidural into my back. I could hear them talking behind me purposefully. “Why haven’t you done it yet?” 

“I can’t put it in when she’s throwing up.”

“Oh, she’s throwing up?”

Allison just stood in front of me with her gloved hands on the back of my neck in an attempt to keep me steady as I threw up into a bag between us. The steadiness of her hands made me feel comforted as I continued to feel so sick. I just wanted all of this to be over with. Finally they completed the epidural successfully, and I was laid down onto the operating table. 

It felt like a million people were running around me all completing separate tasks. A blue piece of fabric was hung between my head and my stomach, and that was how I knew that this was really happening. OMG, OMG, OMG, get this over with, “Where’s Jeff??”

“Oh, we are getting him now,” someone replied. 

Meanwhile, another person, I think the Anesthesiologist, kept asking me, “Does this feel different than this? Does this feel different than this? I’ll do it again. Does this feel different than this?” as he touched me on the shoulder, on my upper belly, and on my lower belly, over and over, with what felt like a cold alcohol wipe. His questions kept coming, and he asked them quick. The stress was building up as I got the impression that the answers I was giving were very important leading up to when they would begin the procedure. Also known as, when they would cut into my body.

There were people on both sides of me getting things ready quickly. They kept reminding me that there were arm boards on both sides of me. I kept wanting to scream, “Why are we concerned about my arms getting to rest at a time like this?!”

I kept my hands folded up near my chin, not feeling well, and wishing that this would be over quickly. “Is there a bag somewhere?” I asked as I turned my head to the right and barfed again, not feeling any better. Finally, Jeff arrived and sat down, beside where my head lay, and I was so glad to see him. 

The alcohol swab test continued, as I tried my best to answer accurately. All of a sudden something sharp poked me on my lower abdomen, and they asked, “Do you feel this? What does it feel like? Does it hurt?”

“Ummm… no, it doesn’t hurt. It feels like… pressure???”

“ALRIGHT, WE ARE READY!”

Jeff looked at my face, with concern in his eyes, and asked, “How are you?”

“I keep barfing.”

He glanced up beyond the blue sheet briefly, looked back at my face, and asked, “Do you feel that?” 

“No, all I feel is pressure.”

All of a sudden, I heard the most beautiful and surprising sound I had ever heard. I heard a baby cry. Our baby was delivered within 3 minutes from the start of the procedure to her letting out that glorious cry. It was quick, it was scary, but that cry made it all worth it. “It’s a girl!” someone said, and I looked at Jeff for his reaction to that news, however I knew that we both could care less about the sex of the baby in that moment.

I lifted my head as high as I could (which wasn’t very high) to try to see the baby, but after only a quick glance, she was taken away and out of the room. “Go with her!” I told Jeff, as he hesitated, looking down at me. He then continued out of the room following behind the baby and nurses that went along with her.

I laid back in relief. She was here. She was alive. She was actually alive.

I hadn’t planned for this. I thought this day would have went much differently. I had thought that this summer was about to be filled with trips to the cemetery to visit the baby, not trips to the park with our baby in the carrier. I was relaxed through the doctors stitching me back up and putting me back together. I didn’t have a care in the world in that moment.

Jeff was with our baby, our alive baby, and all was okay in the world once more. 

I found out a few more things about Bowie’s delivery later on… I found out that if we had waited just five more minutes to get her out, she would have not survived. I found out that if I had eaten that day, that they wouldn’t have been able to perform the surgery. I found out that they skipped the ultrasound that night, and that was a very good decision on their part. I found out that the reason everything felt so confusing was because the hospital staff wanted to keep both of us calm, and what a good job they did at that. 

There were so many miracles that happened that night. 

This was the closest I’ve been to a “near death experience.” I know that I wasn’t the one that almost died, but I feel like the effect of this occurrence changed me in the same way that it would have if it was me. 

Jeff’s Side of the Story:

On Friday morning, after Karli had left for her checkup and ultrasound, I received a phone call from Karli. “Can you send me the insurance for the truck?” Karli asked,  hesitantly.

“Did you get pulled over?” I responded.

“Yes, I did,” she said.

Karli ended up getting a ticket for using her phone while driving. I knew there was no benefit of getting upset, because Karli knew she was in the wrong. As a husband of Karli, I have to assume something like this will happen every so often, and that’s fine with me.  After this happened, I had a feeling that this wouldn’t be a normal day.

Later in the day, I got another phone call from Karli stating that they were concerned with the baby because of the stress test. The baby’s heartbeat was also not doing great. Karli reassured me that they would be monitoring her and that she was doing well. She also mentioned there was a chance she would need to fly to Spokane or Seattle to deliver the baby. The hospital in Wenatchee didn’t deliver babies premature of 34 weeks. The baby turned 34 weeks on Monday. I still had the responsibility of the kids, so I arranged for my parents to come over later at night. Karli kept reassuring me throughout the day that she thought she would just be on bedrest until she gave birth. There was no rush for me to get there.

Thankfully, a family friend, Mary Anne, went and visited Karli. At night, I got a call from Mary Anne urging me to come to the hospital. It looked like they would be flying Karli out of Wenatchee soon. The hospital was trying to find another hospital to send Karli. I contacted our neighbors, the Slushers, to see if the could come sit in our house while the kids slept. They were able to come over, and Kyle was going to come over at 8, which was perfect. The kids go to sleep at 7, but don’t really go to sleep until 8. I fed the kids, gave them a bath, and put them to sleep by 7. Right when they got in bed, Bonnie exclaimed her infamous phrase, “My body is not tired.”

“Well then just lay there and close your eyes”, I responded. Brody went to sleep, but the girls weren’t so easy.

As I sat in their room, I could hear them flopping around their beds saying things like, “I don’t want to go to sleep,” and, “This is so boring.” Eventually I got a text from Mary Anne saying, “They are scheduling her flight. You need to leave.”

At that point, I became worried, and I told the girls, “I will give you a dollar in the morning if you guys go to sleep.”

Blaire looked at me, held up both of her three year old hands, and said, “I want a lot of dollars.”

I said, “Okay, a lot of dollars”.

After that, they went to sleep fairly easily. I rushed out of the room, threw some of my clothes in the bag that I had previously packed for Karli. Shorty after, I heard a knock on the door. Of course Bailey had to jump on Kyle when he walked it. She loves seeing new people. After Kyle got to our house, I jumped in my car and screeched down the road. That drive was probably the most stressful of my life (excluding the time when Blaire was almost born in the car). The hospital is probably 45 minutes from our house. The whole time I felt like Dr. Strange, playing out every possible outcome that lie ahead of us.

When I got to the hospital Mary Anne and her son were there. Thankfully the plane wasn’t going to be there for about an hour. I ended up being almost 2 more hours. During that time, the nurses let us know that we would be flying to Seattle for further evaluation. During the 2 hours me and Karli talked a lot about what was happening. Mary Anne’s son and I were able to give Karli a blessing. There was a lot of silence while me and Karli watched the baby’s heartbeat on the monitor.

When the flight crew and the ambulance crew arrived, they got Karli wrapped up in a gerny like a burrito. There was a wait while the flight crew received confirmation from the plane and also the nurses had to check the baby’s heartbeat to make sure she was good. It was an extremely long wait, but it probably was only like 30 minutes.

As soon as the pilot sent confirmation, and the nurses were happy with the baby’s heartbeat, we were on our way to the airport in the ambulance. “The ambulance can get kind of bumpy back there,” the driver warned me. “Kind of bumpy” was definitely an understatement. It felt like we were on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Unfortunately, both me and Karli get car sick very easily. So by the time, we made it to the airport, we both weren’t feeling well.

When we got to the airport, I was expecting a fairly big sized plane. It was the complete opposite. The plane fit Karli, the two airplane crew, the pilot and me. There was nothing else they could have fit on that plane. Before we took off, the Pilot asked, “Everyone have their headsets?” For some reason, my headset was missing. I had flown on planes before, so I didn’t think the plane would be that loud. I also had my iPod headphones, so I thought I would be fine.

Once the plane started, I knew I had made a mistake. I turned my iPhone all the way up, but could still only hear the noise of the plane. At the time I didn’t care because I was worried about Karli and the baby. The flight was only about 30 minutes long, but near the end I saw Karli raise her hand. I should mention that before this, Karli kept asking me to take pictures of her, to document the experience. So I thought she was just asking me to take another picture. But she was actually signaling that she had to throw up. The guy sitting next to her started scrambling around his seat trying to find anything to catch the puked it. Thankfully he got a bag in time and there was minimal spillage. Once we landed, we had another ambulance to ride on. Thankfully the driver was nice and let me sit up front. All the crew for the ambulances and the plane were extremely nice and personable.

When we got to the hospital, it was early in the morning on Saturday. The lights of the hospital were dim and it looked like they had closed. The ambulance team called up to have someone come let us in because the doors were closed. The security team probably took about 15 minutes. The driver said, “Good thing this isn’t a emergency,” because of how long we had to wait. Once we finally made it into the room, the nurses got Karli hooked up to the machine. Shortly after, we had meetings with nurses, doctors, and the anesthesiologist. We were very impressed by the staff at UW Medical center. Eventually the doctor came in and stated, “The baby’s heart rate isn’t good and we feel like we need to do a C-Section”. I asked, “When will that take place?” thinking maybe within the next few days. But she replied, “Within the hour.” At that point I felt very nervous, but confident, in the staff’s opinion. In the next 20 minutes, the nurses were prepping Karli and I was getting the scrubs on to go into the Operating Room. They took Karli away, and told me to wait in the original delivery room and that they would come get me after Karli had gotten her epidural.

I felt like I waited in the room for a lifetime. Finally, someone came in and got me. When I got into the operating room, what I witnessed was chaos. People were running around, grabbing tools, and checking monitors. I felt like I was late to the party. I remember specifically seeing Karli and feeling so sad and feeling like there was absolutely nothing I could do to help the situation. There was a sheet covering her stomach so we both couldn’t see what was going on. As I sat down next to her, she told me, “I threw up” with the saddest look on her face. At this point I could feel tears running down my face. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to the person I cared about the most. She reached her hand out, and I grabbed it. I remember everyone in that operating room running around like crazy people. I even remember people on top of Karli. I could feel them pulling on Karli and the bed she was on kept shaking. Eventually one of the doctor exclaimed, “It’s a girl.” But oddly I didn’t hear any crying. As soon as they took the baby away, I told Karli, “I’m going to see if she is okay.” Our plan the whole time was for me to follow the baby. Even though I hated leaving Karli. I walked around the table, avoiding eye contact with Karli exposed guts.

I went into the room next to the OR, and 4 or 5 nurses were working on my girl. She had a heartbeat, but didn’t look like she was breathing. The nurses kept saying things like, “Her color is bad,” and “Her lungs aren’t moving.” They were manually trying to get her to breath. During this time, I was even more emotional. I was trying my best not to completely lose it.

All of a sudden, one of the nurses said, “I hear her breathing,” and another said, “Her color is looking better.” Soon I could hear a little whimper coming from my tiny 3 pound girl. One of the nurses asked, “Do you want to touch her?” Of course I did! I quickly moved forward to her, and grabbed her hand. I was so emotionally and physically drained at this point. It was 5AM. I had been up all night and been through about as much as I could handle. Soon after, they got her prepped to go to the NICU. I continued to follow our girl around. Soon I went back up to the original room where I had waited to get my stuff. Russ, Brenda and Quincy were waiting in there. I don’t remember anything from the interaction or from most of the interactions after that. I think I was just Zombie Man.

After that, I went down to the NICU where they took our girl and saw the nurses setting her up in her room. Shortly after, I told one of the nurses, “I need to see my wife.” One of the nurses took me to her. I remember the calm feeling that I got knowing everything was alright, and knowing without a doubt that that our Heavenly Father had a hand in each and every step in our journey that night. Even though we had been through so much in 12 hours, everything ended up working out.

We are so grateful for our little miracle, Bowie Lee.

Liz’s (the IRS Nurse) Side of the Story:

I was the “resource” nurse the night of Bowie’s birth… that means I get to welcome all the babies into the world at all the complex deliveries, my very favorite job! Looking back on my Fitbit from the night Bowie was born I walked/ran 7 miles and 18 flights of stairs. It rained babies! One surprise delivery stuck out in my mind: a mother being flown in at 33 and 4/7 with SLE, IUGR and elevated cord dopplers… that sounds familiar! That very day my own baby, Vivian, turned a year and a half, the little girl that only made it because of a crash c-section at the very hospital I work at. Our specialty is delivering babies very quickly when they are in severe distress, performing a good resuscitation and growing them into big beautiful term-size babies in our NICU. I had an identical delivery to little Bowie’s with my daughter Vivian, but this time I got to be the nurse instead of the patient.

Labor and delivery called and said they were heading back for c-section and would be paging NICU soon, baby was having lots of decelerations so they were moving quickly. I went up to make sure the ISR was ready and found the hospitalist (doctor) had already checked the room. We waited and waited in the hallway for the page and finally went in to the worlds warmest room and peeked through the little window to see what was taking so long: it was the epidural. As soon as they finished and laid Karli down I could tell the baby was going to be tiny… her belly was so small. The page went out and the resident doctor came in. She asked why we got called up so early… they hadn’t even made the incision yet, this was going to take forever… but what she didn’t know was that the baby was in distress and the OR team can move fast! Within 3 minutes we met little Bowie, pale with eyes wide open. With a little oxygen and pressure to her lungs, she pinked up and was able to go down to NICU on CPAP, just like my Vivian had a year and a half before. We wheeled her isolette into the OR to meet her mom, showed Karli how small and beautiful she was, and I asked if we could take her husband to the NICU with us. Bowie was a champ. It’s not often that I get to hand a baby off to my NICU nurse husband, but I did that night; I knew she was in good hands. I went into the hallway to reassure daddy Jeff that his little girl was going to do well: as strange as it sounds I had been in the same situation just a year and a half earlier and everything had worked out.

Lupus is known to cause placental insufficiency. Both Vivian and Bowie went from being seemingly ok to being in severe distress in a matter of days… it’s amazing to think these little miracles came so close to not making it. I thank God every day for my Lupus diagnosis, for the obstetric care I received and for being in the right place at the right time… Karli and I both felt something was wrong, a mother’s intuition, but when you’re pregnant you’re relying on so many other people to validate what you know is true. Vivian and Bowie truly are miracles!

Real.

This is a picture that was taken moments before everything went crazy. I had a wonderful visit with my good friends Samantha and Dylan at a McDonalds that had a playland. While this picture was taken, Brody and Bonnie were playing great together in the playland, and had been for the last hour and a half. Therefore, in this picture, I am happy. I look tired, and I probably am, but it made my day to see them. 

Anyway, what I’m trying to say, is I posted this picture to Facebook, and for all anyone knew, I had a great day seeing my friends. The end. And while that is true, I did enjoy getting to talk to other adults and reminisce about the past, I had a whole afternoon to get through as well, and that happened to not be as lovely.  

Shortly after I said my goodbyes to Dylan and Samantha, Brody and Bonnie were still happily playing in the playland, so I took the opportunity to quickly feed Blaire before we headed home. Meanwhile, Brody was trying to wait patiently for his turn on the computer toys that two other boys were playing on. (Why they have those there, I’m not sure..) I was beginning to tell them to start getting their shoes on to get ready to go home, and Brody was becoming frantic because he reallyyyyy wanted to play on those things. We had already been there for over an hour and a half, so we weren’t going to stick around to wait for the kids to be done playing so that Brody could have his turn. Both Bonnie and Blaire needed diaper changes. (Yes, Bonnie is officially back in diapers. She did so so well for like a month.) So I pull all three of them into the bathroom. I change Blaire, and Bonnie and Brody are touching the toilet and the sink, and everything else… There was not really anything I could do about it, so there they were, filling up Brody’s water cup in the sink, and spilling it out in the toilet over and over again. 

Finally I’m done changing Blaire, and I realize I have no where to set her because I didn’t think to bring her seat or carrier with me. I’m not used to having two in diapers. So, I lay Bonnie on the changing table, next to Blaire, which both Blaire and Bonnie hated. So that was that. They were both upset and Brody was yelling at me at the same time through all this that he still really wanted to play that game out there. 

I got Bonnie changed and put her on the ground. She then decides to take off her boots and she has no socks on, since she ditched those somewhere in the playland earlier. So I’m now holding Blaire, and fighting with her to get her shoes back on because we are in the bathroom on top of everything and she has bare feet! Gah!

I finally get her shoes on and get all the kids out of the bathroom. As we are getting our stuff together to head out to the car, Brody realizes he has forgotten his beloved water cup in the bathroom. After I tell him we can’t go back to get it, he has a full blown melt down. He is screaming and he quickly progresses to the level that he isn’t listening to anything I am saying. I know I need to just let him work it out, so here I am, standing with a two year old, a screaming 3 year old, and holding a baby in her car seat carrier. 

A lady passes by and says, “Wow, he’s a bad one!” Thank you.

Brody calms down and we start to head out the door. But then, Brody remembers about the game he never got to play, so he breaks down again, however this time we are half way out the door. So as I’m holding the door, trying to get Brody to follow me, Bonnie is now starting to walk towards the car, and I’m still holding Blaire. I run and grab Bonnie with my other hand, and we all go back to get screaming Brody. I honestly don’t know how we got to the car, but we did. I put Blaire into the car, then coax Brody and Bonnie to the other side to strap them in. Brody then gets upset that I touched him too much to get to the other side, and he would like to walk all by himself. He would actually like to go to the other side of the car, where we put Blaire in, and rewalk to his side of the car. I can’t let him walk to the other side of the car alone, and I can’t leave Bonnie, so I tell him he needs to get into the car now. He won’t, so I put him in the car myself, and he is so upset. I buckle them both in and Brody is screaming, which has now made Blaire upset. So two out of three are upset beyond measure. 

As we pull out of the parking lot, I notice Brody has gotten out of his car seat because he was so upset that I had put them in there without letting him help. I then pull into the next parking area, and get him out of the car to explain how we need to always stay in our carseat. He also had taken off one of his shoes and socks in the short period of time that we had been in the car, so he is now with one barefoot, on the concrete, screaming his little head off about his terrible life and his cold foot. Finally, when he agrees to stay in his carseat, I switch him into Bonnie’s carseat, and her into his, because I know he can’t escape Bonnie’s carseat. 

And we are on the road back home. Gas light. We need gas. We are 40 minutes away from home, so I am forced to stop. I turn off the car at the gas station, open my door to get out, and Bonnie freaks out. (She has been going through an attachment phase, so anytime I go somewhat out of her sight, she freaks out.) So as I am getting gas, as quickly as I can, Bonnie is screaming, and therefore Blaire is screaming more, and Brody is still screaming because he is not in “his” carseat. I finally ask him if I put him back into his carseat, will he stay there, and he agrees, so I switch them again into the opposite carseats. Brody is fine now. Bonnie calms down once I get back into the car, so now all we have is one screaming child in the backseat.

As I pray that Blaire quiets down as we get moving on the road, she doesn’t. Therefore, I stop the car in a parking lot, get her out of her seat, and feed her until she falls asleep. As I’m feeding her, I look back in the backseat, and both Brody and Bonnie are fast asleep. So three sleeping babies for the win. Yes. 
& there was peace, and there was quiet, all the way back home. However, it always comes with a price. It is currently one and a half hours past Brody’s bedtime right now, as I write this, and he is still awake. Eh, it is what it is. I needed that quiet drive home.
Anyway, back to the initial picture I posted on Facebook.. if that was all anyone say, no one would know that my day actually got super crazy if they didn’t read this post. They probably would say, “Oh, how nice, Karli got to see her friends today.” And while they are right, there is a lot more to the story. 
These types of crazy events happen to me nearly everyday.  However, it’s a lot of effort to write about and explain, and frankly, after they are over, they leave me feeling exhausted and the last thing I want to do is relive the event by talking about them. Therefore, I rarely do. However, this time, as I drove the 40 minutes home, I felt like maybe someone else needed to hear this story. Maybe someone else, who is living a crazy life with crazy kids, could relate and say, “Hey, I am not alone.”
You are not alone.
People frequently say to me “I don’t know how you do it,” when referring to having 3 young kids. And to be honest, I don’t either. There are days that I get so frustrated with everything that I know this mom job is one I would have quit over and over again if that was an option. 
Thank goodness it is not an option. I know that my kids need me, and know that I chose to have them all so close in age. I wonder if that was a smart decision nearly everyday, but it is one that I can’t change, so therefore I just do what I have to do to get through each day. And that is the truth. 
Pictures on Facebook don’t tell everything. I mean, I post a TON on social media, and I know for a fact that what I post doesn’t even come CLOSE to telling the full story. There are a LOT of ups, but probably even more downs, and while I try to be honest, it just isn’t possible to be completely thorough with the entire truth. 
So, if you are reading this, and have felt that you are alone with feeling like life is really freaking hard sometimes, or hey, maybe all the time, you are not ever alone. This new year, I want to be more real. I want to be more real with the people around me. I have found that the more real I am with others, the more real they are back to me, and I like that so much better than the fake stuff we see all the time on social media. It’s just not real.
On the other hand, I get it. I’m sure many enjoy posting the good stuff, because that is the stuff that is exciting to post about, or that is the stuff that we think to take pictures of. I get that too. But just keep in mind that those things are NEVER the full story, there is ALWAYS more because it is utterly impossible to tell everyone everything. 



Being Okay With Not Doing It All

I’ve never been very good at milestones or sentimental things when it comes to my kids, or really, at anytime in my life. Honestly, I never wrote down the date that each of them first walked, or their first word, or their weights and heights at different ages, or the first time they laughed and smiled. It just never seemed super important to me. To me, as long as they did end up walking at some point, that’s what mattered. I never really cared to remember when exactly each of these things actually happened. 

I honestly believe that I’ll never regret not saving their first hair cut curl, or their first hat they ever wore in the hospital. I throw things away, and I feel better after those things are gone. The real reason being that now I don’t have to store them. 
A common phrase my mom used to always say to my sisters and me was, “Oh save that. You can put it in your scrapbook.” Did I have a scrapbook? No. Did she have a scrapbook? No. I think my mom secretly has always felt a little guilty that she hasn’t been a better scrapbooker, or a scrapbooker at all. She has a hope chest chalk full of things from our childhood. And there they sit, at the foot of my mom’s bed, reminding her of the many things she never organized in a pretty fashion. And then there are the boxes and boxes of developed pictures that never were out nicely into photo books. And I know, because of the many times I’ve heard my mom comment about those boxes, that she feels guilty, and also overwhelmed at what a huge job it would be to ever get those organized or put into digital form. 
I feel myself settling in on my own amount of guilt for similar reasons. I want so badly to just let this go and be okay with the way I am.

However, I do have a worry. I worry that someday my own kids will wish I had documented certain things better or held onto more things of sentimental value. I’m conflicted. Because if that’s the case, then maybe I should change my ways and start a collection of these items, but if no one will ever care about them (because I don’t) then I really don’t want to waste my time or storage space. 

But, do I hold anything like this against my own mom? No freaking way. Because honestly, I’m in the same boat. However, I believe that I am even worse. At least she keeps things, I just throw things away. My mom tried so much harder with so many things, that I fall short in so many ways when I compare myself to her. So my only hope is that my own kids will develop that sane understanding with me, and not be too disappointed with what I did end up doing. 
I do take comfort in knowing that I do a few things to attempt to save these memories.. I love taking pictures. I try to take pictures of ordinary events and moments that don’t necessarily consist of holidays, trips, or other monumental experiences. I love writing down stories, even the smallest little memories. (Which is why most of you are super annoyed with seeing multiple posts from me each day.) I plan to someday print out my statuses on Facebook to keep them and allow my kids to sift through them later. I already print out my Instagram pictures, and I cherish those little books. To me, they are equivalent to the journal I have never written. I try to create a way that my kids can see how life really was, back in the day, from their own mom’s perspective. 
These pictures and short stories are what I do to fill my need to make up for the other normal things that moms usually do– like scrap booking and baby books. I will never have those for any of my kids and that is the way I know it is. 
I try to think of what is most interesting to me to look at from my past. I love seeing pictures of my sisters and I, and I love hearing little random stories of things that happened in the past that may explain why we are the way we are. So selfishly, I’m going off my single account of the things I consider valuable, and attempting to collect those things for my own kids.
I don’t know how I’ll feel if they tell me someday that they wish I would have done better at collecting items from their past, documenting dates of milestones, and creating things like books, shadow boxes, quilts, etc. of things from their past. I wish i could jump into the future and find out how they will feel about this subject, so badly. 

I hope that when they are old enough to care about their past, they know that I did care about them each individually, even if I didn’t do everything, and even if I didn’t keep a ton of sentiments. I want them to know that I loved kissing their tiny little hands, even though I didn’t keep their tiny little hospital bracelets. I want them to know that I was so proud of the art they made at preschool, even though I didn’t keep every piece. I want them to know that I was so excited with each new stage they arrived to, even though I don’t remember the exact date that they each happened on. 

Especially during the holidays, I reflect on the traditions from my childhood and the traditions that I’d like to uphold with my own kids. I see moms that do so much, including my own, and wonder how they ever have the energy and motivation to do all that. I’m trying to be satisfied with what I do decide to do, and hope that my kids don’t someday hold it against me that I didn’t do it all. 

I’m thankful for you.

Dear Jeff,

We live a crazy life, don’t we? It’s nonstop, all day. From the moment we wake up, to the second we get the kids down at night, we are moving. And even then, we have a house to pick up, or heaven forbid, one of the kids wake up again.. Like I said, it’s nonstop, with not many breaks in between. Our days are filled with cleaning up messes, wiping faces, buckling seat belts, breaking up fights, negotiating with toddlers, making snacks, giving baths… and on and on. Each day is similar, and each day is so hectic. 
There’s something I want to tell you, that I know I don’t tell you enough. It’s two simple words, but I mean them a lot. Thank you. Thank you for working everyday with your family in mind. Thank you for jumping in and taking on the kids from the moment you walk in the door.  Thank you saying sorry when many times its me who should be saying sorry to you. Thank you for being patient with not only the kids, but also with me. Thank you for listening when my emotions run a little wild. Thank you for making us feel like a team. Thank you for caring for each of our kids as individuals with specific needs. Thank you for holding my hand when you know I’m stressed out. Thank you for waking up with the kids every morning and letting me sleep a little bit longer each day. 
I cherish that extra time you give me each morning. It gives me time to just lay with our Blaire, by myself, without distractions. She’s growing so quickly, especially right now, and I’m so thankful to be able to enjoy this cuddle stage with her just a little bit extra, because I know this stage just won’t last long. (I’m mourning the loss of it already.) It’s a different experience, this time around, with three. I don’t get much one on one time with the baby during the day. I feel guilty about it, to be honest, but these mornings help so much. 

I love you and I’m so glad I get to do this life with you. You just make things fun, even in stressful situations. 

This Thanksgiving I’m most thankful for you. I really am. I lucked out when I married you. I never could have known what a great husband, father, and teammate you’d be. You’ve reached all my expectations and much much more.  Happy Thanksgiving, babe. Here’s to so many more. 

Love, Karli

Overwhelmed

Three weeks ago I had a baby. Did you know that I had to open up the calendar on my phone to count how many weeks ago that was? How sad is that? With Brody, I KNOW I knew the exact amount of days he’d been alive for many many days after his birth. I know this because I remember how much it bothered me when he was four weeks old, but not one month old yet. It bothered me like crazy, because I was so fixated on how old he was. With Blaire, there’s a day, then there’s another day. We have things to get done, babies to juggle, potties to race to, clothes to get on, baths to take, food to cook, messes to clean… And it’s all just going so fast. 

A week ago, as I posted a picture of Bonnie for her birthday, I just cried my eyes out. I was riding in the front seat of the car, with my mother-in-law, on the way to visit family for her birthday, so I was trying to hide my tears, but it was very difficult. 
I don’t really know why I was crying, except that I just felt, and still feel, so overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed that I haven’t taken enough pictures. I feel overwhelmed that I haven’t taken enough videos. I feel overwhelmed that I never use my real camera to document my kids’ lives. I feel overwhelmed that someday I am going to look back and realize that these were the best years of my life. Am I enjoying them enough? I feel overwhelmed that the baby I just had, sweet baby Blaire, could possibly be my last birth I ever experience. 
How is it possible that this phase of my life is already over? I don’t feel relieved, as I thought I would. I feel sad. And I don’t know where exactly that sadness is coming from. Is it because I feel we have more children in heaven waiting to come down to join our family? Is it because I’m scared to be forced to lose the baby weight even after I’m done nursing and won’t have the excuse that I’m pregnant again? Is it because I love babies, and especially the newborn stage? Even though all these things are true, I think that the main reason I feel sad is because it has made me realize that life is passing. And it’s passing quickly. I don’t feel ready to be able to say, “We are done having kids.” I don’t feel ready to get rid of my newborn clothes. I don’t feel ready to be okay with having one boy, and two girls, and no more mystery of what’s to come. 
 
I didnt mourn the end of teenage years. I didn’t mourn the end of high school days. I didn’t mourn the end of college years. Those phases, and more, didn’t seem as important as this phase I am in right now. Having the responsibility to raise these tiny spirits, and create their childhood, just seems so heavy. It’s hard to know that someday it will be over and I won’t be able to make any changes to what has already happened. 
A couple days ago, I dropped Brody off at preschool, and he hugged onto my leg as he said goodbye. He thought that was pretty funny, and he giggled as he said, “Bye, Momma!” and ran off to play with his friends. 
Each experience like this leaves me feeling a little more overwhelmed. How much longer will he feel like hugging his mom’s leg at school is silly? I love being a mom to little kids. Will I enjoy being a mom to big kids? 
If Blaire is indeed our last baby, I am realizing now how much more I’m going to mourn her growing up. It’s already starting. She’s becoming more awake lately and instead of me being excited I get to see her eyes open more often, I’m sad that the sleepy newborn stage is slipping away already. 
Yesterday I tried to fit her in a footie pajama that was labeled “up to 7lbs” and I cried when it didn’t fit. Now what do I do? Pack it up for my sisters’ future babies, and be okay that there isn’t even a possibility that any of my own kids will wear that footie pajama again? How do all the moms out there do that and just feel okay with that? 
Like I said, I’m overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed with my kids growing, with possibly being done with having kids, but mostly, I’m overwhelmed with life. It is beautiful. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. But, at the same time, I’m finding that the ends of phases are pretty hard to take. 

Blaire Iris: A Birth Story

Jeff reassured me that we only had 8 more miles left. 8 more miles, 8 more miles, okay, so that is like 8 more minutes. I can do this, I can do this, I thought. Another contraction came, and I changed my mind. I could NOT do this. This baby was coming, and she was coming NOW. I had never experienced anything like this before. Labor was literally taking over my body, and it was completely out of my control. The baby was coming whether I was undressed or dressed, out or inside the car, speeding through the freeway or safely in a hospital bed… the baby was going to arrive any MINUTE now, and I am pretty sure that I was about to have a heart attack any minute now as well. How in the world was this real life? Minutes, which felt like hours later, Jeff let me know that we had 10 more minutes left. 10 more minutes?!!! You said 8 minutes ages ago! I AM NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS FOR 10 MORE MINUTES!!!
………………………
Before I get ahead of myself, I should probably start at the beginning. It was 3 am on October 18, 2015. I started to experience contractions. They weren’t that painful, but they sure were making me excited! This meant that the baby was going to come relatively soon! I would finally not have to be pregnant for many more days. I didn’t sleep all that well the last couple weeks of this pregnancy anyway, so being awake through the contractions wasn’t all that inconvenient. As I watched the clock, the contractions seemed to be 8-14 minutes apart.

With Brody and Bonnie, I was hooked up to Pitocin in order to get labor going. Therefore, Jeff and I were pretty laid back about these contractions that I was experiencing. “Eh, I don’t think it’s labor. I wouldn’t worry about it,” I’d tell Jeff when he asked what I thought. So we didn’t worry. I didn’t feel well, just kind of sick, and low energy. It was Stake Conference that day, so we stayed home from church, watched the Seahawks lose another game, and spent a lazy day at home as a family of four.

Around 5:00 PM, I called my mom. My contractions still hadn’t stopped since that morning. They were 20-30 minutes apart, so Jeff and I really weren’t worried at all, but they still were there. My mom told me to call the consulting nurse at the hospital, just to check in and make sure, and then to call her back to let her know if she should start driving out or not. I talked to the nurse and she assured me that since my contractions were 20-30 minutes apart, I was not in labor yet. She advised me to wait until the contractions were 5-6 minutes apart for at least 2 hours straight before I drove into the hospital. She said, “Now I don’t mean 5-8 minutes apart, I mean 5-6 minutes apart. Don’t drive in until you having timed them that way for 2 hours. Or, if your water breaks, come right away.” Okay, that was straight forward enough. I could follow those directions.

I called my mom and we came up with a plan. Since I had been literally laying around all day, taking baths, watching TV on the couch, and letting Jeff take care of me, I was a little worried that my contractions would have been closer already if I was moving around like I would of on a normal day that Jeff wasn’t off work. The next day was Monday, and I’d be left with the kids alone. I couldn’t possibly take care of 2 kids while experiencing contractions all day long by myself. I needed to figure out if I was about to be in labor or not. So we decided that Jeff, the kids, and I would go on an evening walk, then report back to my mom. If my contractions were closer, then she would come. If I felt no difference, then she would wait until I gave her a call, even if was in the middle of the night.

So we ate dinner, got the kids dressed for bed, and started our walk. We walked, probably a mile and a half around Sunserra, the housing development we are living at. Jeff pushed the double stroller, and they would pause every time I had a contraction and wait. Brody kept asking, “Momma happy?” to make sure I was okay. “Yes, baby, Momma’s happy.” On the sidewalks, I would walk behind Jeff, and I kept seeing Brody and Bonnie’s little heads poke out from the sides of the stroller to check on me and make sure I was still following them. It was getting dark, and it was starting to sprinkle rain, but I remember it just felt so good out there.

Our clothes, the kids pajamas, and our hair were all damp from the misty rain after we returned home. It was almost bedtime for Brody and Bonnie now, so we picked up the house, and I vacuumed. Now I was getting a little stressed. My house was NOT ready for company. “Jeff, we have to clean the bathrooms. We need to get the laundry done. We have so much to do.” Annoyed, Jeff responded, “Karli, your mom isn’t coming here for a vacation. She knows you are about to have a baby.” That didn’t make me feel any better.

I got Bonnie ready for bed, kissed Brody goodnight, and took her up to her bed. As she was sitting on my lap, I started to sing to her our regular bedtime songs. However, a contraction suddenly hit, and it was hard and painful. “Jeff! Jeff!” Jeff ran upstairs and opened the door. I just started crying. Jeff took Bonnie out of my arms. I really wanted to rock my Bonnie to sleep though. I kept thinking about how this was the probably the last time that I could put Bonnie to bed while she was still the baby of our family. “Do you want me to put her to bed?” Jeff asked. “No, I can do it. But give her to me now so I can get her down before the next contraction.”

He set her in my arms and Bonnie gave me the biggest around-the-neck hug. She kept giving me kisses and it was making me cry more. Oh how I love my little Bonbon so much. Before too long, I could feel another contraction coming on. So I set her in her bed, even though normally we usually sing songs together a little longer. She somehow understood though. “Bye Momma. Love you!” “Love you, baby. Sleep good.”

So to the bath I went. But first, I took one last pregnancy picture. I had the feeling that this pregnancy wasn’t going to last much longer.

As you can see from the picture, I was worn out already. After making it through a day of contractions, I was just not feeling quite like myself. A bath though, that’d make me feel better.
This is when I found out that I really wasn’t the water birth type of girl. Contractions felt pretty awful in the bath. There wasn’t anything to bury my face in on the most painful ones. It’s hard to explain, but I definitely wasn’t comfortable. As I tried to allow myself to relax, I just started to sweat and become extra uncomfortable. So I just got out. 
I just laid on the bed, with my damp towel around me, feeling like I was dying. Contractions are no joke. They suck. 
The contractions were close now, but I knew I need to wait those two hours to be sure. It had been about 30 minutes of contractions that were 5 minutes apart at this point, some even less than 3 minutes apart. (Jeff was timing and he the closer they became, the more stressed he grew.) But they were so painful that each contraction made me more and more sure that this was the real deal. I called my mom and told her to start on her way. I called my Nana and asked her if she could come stay with the kids until my mom arrived. It was a little before 8:00 PM at this point. My Nana said she just had to get ready, put some things in a bag, and would be over as soon as she could. She lived an hour away, so I thought, Okay, that’ll be good. Then I’ll get to my 2 hours of close contractions and be able to go to the hospital. Everything is going to be fine.
Jeff was relieved when I told him that everyone was on their way. As I listed all the things he needed to add to my bag, he ran around the house and gathered my odds and ends. 
I mustered enough energy together to start getting myself dressed. I pulled on a pair of Jeff’s sweats, got my bra on, and bam, another horrible contraction. I was down again. I just needed to lay down. That was all I could do to get through these at this point. I just laid on the bed, quiet, but suffering through these horrible pains. 
As another one hit, there was a burst of warm liquid. (Yep, you guessed right.) “Jeff!! Oh my gosh, I think my water just broke!” Jeff looked at the bed, and confirmed what I had felt. Jeff was now on the phone with my Nana asking how far away she was. I got up, and I was now determined to get ready to leave now. I changed into a different pair of sweatpants, pulled on a shirt, told Jeff to grab some towels for the seat of the car, and laid on the bed again. 
“Come on, Karli, let’s at least go downstairs.”
“No, I just want to lay here. No one is here yet. So I’m going to lay in my bed as long as I can.”
No response. All I could hear was Jeff bustling around the room. Opening and closing our bags and double checking that we had everything. 
Since my water had broke, my thoughts became a lot more stressful. I knew we needed to get to the hospital quickly. Not only because the baby was coming soon, but because I had tested Strep-B positive, and I needed to get hooked up to an IV as soon as possible. I knew that this was important, and it stressed me out thinking of all of the things I read online that could happen if I didn’t get that medicine.
I hadn’t told Jeff about the Strep-B thing. He worries a lot, so I didn’t think there was a need. I knew we would go to the hospital if my water broke anyway, so it wasn’t worth causing him more stress. 
Jeff called my Nana around 9:15 PM and she said she was almost at our house. “Okay, Karli, your Nana is almost here, let’s go get in the car and wait for her.”
He had the car all set, waiting in front of our house. Thankfully we also had a full tank of gas. I sat on top of the folded towels, buckled my seat belt, and thought about how uncomfortable I was at that moment. I wasn’t going to last. The contractions were so bad. I felt like I was literally on my deathbed. I remember that through every contraction I would just grab onto the shoulder strap of the seatbelt with both hands and just hold it, while putting my head to the right and closing my eyes. Then, between contractions, I felt pretty okay, but just braced myself for the next one that came just a couple minutes later.
The worst thing though was what I was feeling in my pelvic region. SO MUCH PRESSURE. It was like nothing I had felt before. The front of my pelvis just felt like it was on fire. This baby was for sure coming tonight. “Jeff, we need to go. Seriously.”
At 9:27 PM, I sent a text to my sister-in-law and mother-in-law, in response to many questions they were asking me. I didn’t have enough energy to respond to everything, so I just texted:

“Pray hard. I don’t think we are going to make it.”

I’m sure that must have made them freak out. But my phone fell down the side of the seat after that, I didn’t text back any more than that. (Sorry guys.)
Jeff called the hospital and let them know that we were on our way there. He called my Nana and she was coming down the hill on the way to our house. That would have to do. We needed to leave now. With the kids sound asleep, we left them in the house, and drove off. We saw my Nana on our way out, and Jeff picked up the speed. 
Experiencing contractions in the passenger seat of a parked car was not fun. But experiencing contractions in the passenger seat of a speeding, jerking, bumping car is awful. AWFUL, I TELL YOU. Jeff put the hospital into his GPS and we had a 38 minute drive ahead of us. I could tell, Jeff was ready to make that shorter though.
Side Note: Jeff is annoying to ride with when you are late to something. He DOES NOT speed, ever. He is a VERY safe driver and ALWAYS stops at yellow lights. 
Jeff drove fast. Like seriously, so fast. At one point we were driving behind a guy with a trailer. I was certain that guy was going slow, I mean he was pulling a trailer, so I said, “Jeff, pass him!” So Jeff did. (Later, I found out that that guy was actually driving 80 already and we had to drive like 100 to get by him. Whoops.)
Jeff held my hand majority of the way there until I DIDN’T WANT HIM TO TOUCH ME AT ALL. The contractions were just crazy and I was feel so nauseous and feeling like this was the last day of my life. I kept quiet most of the way there. Well, aside from telling Jeff to drive faster, and the occasional moan to get through some really tough contractions, I was very very quiet. I just wanted to get to that dang hospital and end this nightmare of a trip.
“How are you feeling?” Jeff kept asking me, over and over and over through the trip. Finally, I replied, “Not good! Don’t ask me that again.”
So the drive was painful, the contractions were awful, the waiting to get to the hospital was unbearable, but the thing that was the worse was me feeling like I had to push. The baby was coming, and I could FEEL her coming. I tried to keep these details to myself. Jeff was already so stressed and I knew he was driving. I didn’t want to get in a wreck. But near the end of the trip, I couldn’t help myself. “Jeff, I can feel the baby coming.” 
“Keep your legs together, babe, you’re doing good.” 
Yeah, right, my legs. Just keep them together. Why didn’t I think of that? Ummm, NO! HE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!! I thought, as I panicked to myself. I could feel the baby’s head descending, and I was SURE of what was going on down there. I was terrified. I just kept thinking about the YouTube video I had watched with my sister. The girl is driving to the hospital, just as I was, and she literally delivers the baby herself. She grabs the baby and is HOLDING the baby in the passenger seat. I was convinced at this point that this would be me. These things happen in REAL LIFE. 
“Jeff, really, the baby is coming. What are we going to do??” 
Jeff sees the hospital signs at this point. However, every time we have driven to the hospital in the past, has been from the opposite direction, from my clinic. Since we were driving directly there this time, Jeff was a little turned around, and the Emergency Entrance signs were not very clear either. So we are spinning around hospital parking lot after hospital parking lot, until we finally make it to my clinic, and Jeff knows where we are again. He turns into the Emergency drop-off area, jumps out of the car, and says, “I’ll be right back!” 
Before I know it, a nurse pops her head into the car and asks how I’m doing. I have nothing to say except, “The baby is coming out right now!” She yells that we need a stretcher and starts pulling down my pants and underwear. Thank goodness pregnancy diminishes all sense of modesty that you might have tried to have before. My naked butt is now breezing in the wind of the outdoors and this young ER doctor is checking to see how much time is left. They tell Jeff to lean the seat of the car back, and I scream. That did NOT feel good, and if anything it was making the baby come even FASTER! The doctor says something like, “We are close, but we have a couple minutes left.” 
I somehow make it to the stretcher between contractions, and I need to tell you- that stretcher was AMAZING!! It literally felt like heaven to lay down on that thing. 
We flew. We flew through the hospital halls, through doors, and to an elevator. A different nurse introduced herself to me. “My name is Mandy. I’ll be taking care of you.” As I looked up at her, I asked, “Is it too late to get an epidural?” With a look of surprise, she replied, “Uh, yeah. Your baby is on it’s way right now.” Oh, yeah, duh. That’s right. Wait. That means I’m having this baby natural. What does this MEAN? Ahhh!!!
Mandy told me to do short little breaths during each contraction and not to think about what was going on “down there.” I definitely didn’t follow her second instruction, but I was pretty good at the short breaths. I was wishing I had known about the short breath thing in the car. I was definitely taking huge breaths through the contractions on the way there. The short breaths was definitely a better way to go. 
As I worked through 2 contractions while a group of people (nurses, doctors, Jeff, people… I had no idea who or how many were running around me), I just closed my eyes, trying to avoid throwing up. I remember at one point one person was trying to push me head first, while the other person tried to push me feet first and they had to work out what way they were going to push me, and I was feeling so frantic. Just push me there already!!!!
“I’m so scared. I’m so scared. I’m so scared. Jeff, I’m so scared,” I repeated as we entered into a room. 
They slid me onto a different bed, and someone said, “You don’t need to be scared. Your doctor is here. You can push now.”
A contraction came. And I pushed. I didn’t have a choice. It wasn’t like a “One, Two, Three” push thing like I was used to with an epidural. It was more a “Lean Back and Brace Yourself” push thing that my body just basically took over and pushed with all it’s might, whether I wanted that to happen or not. “Babe! You’re done! I see the baby!” Jeff exclaimed to my relief. 
And that was that.
One push, our baby girl was here. I was in shock. At 10:05 PM, 38 minutes after we left for our hospital that was supposedly 38 minutes away, our baby was here. We did it. Barely.
Somehow someone had removed my shirt and laid my baby on me for skin to skin. I remember she was crying and she was just in a tiny little ball, and all I could get myself to do was just hold her little sticky body with both of my hands on each side of her. I just held her and the nurses placed warmed blankets on top of us. My body was just shaking, but I felt such a sense of relief. It was the most overwhelming feeling I have ever experienced, and probably ever will experience. The rush of the trip, the stress of the time, and then to end up with a brand new baby in your arms? What the heck? Why is this real life? 
Eventually I pulled it together though, and I loved on that baby like I should. Oh man, she is perfect. My little Blair Iris. 
This picture was taken by a nurse in the room that I delivered the baby in, just a little after everything happened. We were one happy couple at that moment, let me tell you.

kids who are close in age

I always imagined I would have my kids close in age. But, half way through Bonnie’s (my second) pregnancy, I began to get nervous. What the heck was I thinking? 4 months ago, I was convinced that Brody would be SO big by the time a new baby would arrive. However, he was not growing that fast, and he was still very much a baby himself. But, the deed was done, our second baby would be coming in 5 short months, whether we were ready or not.

I’m not going to lie, having an 18 month old and an infant wasn’t super easy, but I found that I adjusted quickly (enough) and embraced being a momma of two babies shortly after. At the same time though, in those beginning weeks, I was sure that we would stop at two kids. It was a lot, and I felt like I was at my max.

Here we are, half way through our third pregnancy. I don’t feel the anxiety that I did while pregnant with Bonnie. I know to expect things to feel crazy at first, but I also know that they will eventually calm down and things will seem to fall into place once again.

As I watch Brody and Bonnie grow up together, I become more and more thankful that we did decide to have them so close in age. Play dates with friends is great, but it is so hard to coordinate with other family’s schedules, nap times, and more. But when you have at least two kids, play dates aren’t as necessary (still wonderful, but not necessary all the time). You can go to the park, spur of the moment, and know that your kids will at least have one friend to play with.

I remember, and I still sometimes do, hoping that there would be a friend Brody’s age that would add some excitement to our days at the park. Those times, when instant buddies are there, is wonderful, but when it doesn’t work out that way, Brody and Bonnie always have each other.

The other cool thing I’ve noticed about this growing sibling relationship is that Brody really does fully enjoy Bonnie’s company. He doesn’t care so much for other kids that are Bonnie’s age, really at all, but Bonnie truly is his very  best friend. It makes my heart melt. “Baby, want to go on the high slide?” “Baby, let’s go play! Want to go play?” “Baby, come on!” And Bonnie follows, as fast as her little legs can take her. Brody walks at her pace and always makes sure that she’s safe. “Baby, not that way, too high.” “Baby, don’t fall. Okay, baby? Careful!”

It’s truly wonderful to be able to take the kids to the park, sit on the bench, and just watch them interact, play, and grow up together.

I know that there are probably many wonderful things about having kids further apart, and I know that those sibling relationships are just as special, in so many ways as well. But I am so happy with this life Jeff and I have chosen. This is our life, Brody and Bonnie’s life, and it just feels right.

With another baby on the way, I’m anticipating the craziness. I am. But at the same time, this baby feels right. I know that Brody and Bonnie are going to love this one just as much as they love each other. Bonnie has been obsessed with babies lately and always wants to look at babies on my phone, aka my newsfeed. She gets big, excited eyes, each time another baby comes up, looks me straight in the face, and says, “Baby!! Baby! Momma, baby!” And I have to agree with her, that it is indeed a baby, before we can continue our browsing for more babies.

This momma-life, it really is a good life.

Two Words Worth of Potty Training Advice

So, I want to say, first off, I do not claim to be an expert on potty training. I have potty trained a total of ONE kid. Therefore, if you are looking for some actual, concrete, potty training advice, I advise you to stop reading this post, and look somewhere else.

That being said, I’m still going to continue this post. Why? Because a few of my mommy friends have messaged me ever since I potty trained my sweet, easy going, child, Brody **insert lots and lots of sarcasm into that last phrase** wondering how I did it, and if I had any tips.

I have learned, through my extensive time of parenting for three years, that all kids are different. But maybe, just maybe, my perspective and gained experience will help another first time momma out there that is trying to feel her way through the depths of potty training madness.

Potty Training Mommas out there: I have two words of advice for you.

Just wait.

Before Brody was deemed potty trained, I tried two times before. And when I say I tried, I really really tried. I tried salty snacks, lots of liquids, potty seat, potty chair, cool underwear, candy, different choices of candy, different flavors of candy, bribes, toys, ten minute intervals, stories on the potty, songs on the potty, music on the potty… standing in headstand position doing the potty dance for the little sweetie sitting on the potty, I tried lots and lots of utterly waste of time things, all having to do with the potty. And what did I get? Wet floor, wet couch, wet clothes, wet towels, poopy underwear, poopy hands, poopy poopy wet wet…. you get it.

It was gross. It was awful. And it honestly made me second guess my decision to ever become a parent in the first place.

Each time I attempted to potty train, I was ready to let go of those diapers. I was ready to save some money and I was definitely ready to end having to change huge, messy, toddler poops. I was so ready.

BUT after three days of potty training, on those first two trials, those diapers ended up becoming heaven sent. I would finally give in, stick that diaper back on Brody’s little butt, and would literally feel like I could fly around the house and live my life once again. The weight that was lifted from me was simply incredible.

Oh diapers, they really do hold such a great purpose here on this earth.

A couple months before Brody turned three, I was ready to face the potty training trial once again. And actually, Brody had started wanting to be potty trained about a month before that. This time felt definitely different. I didn’t question for a second whether he was ready. I knew he was ready.

Brody would do some things that just made me know. For example, many days I’d walk into his room and his floor would have little opened diapers all over it. After closer examination of these diapers, I would find that each would just be a little bit wet. Therefore, I knew that he must just not like the feeling of being wet anymore. So, he would pee, then go to his room, take his diaper off, and put a new one on, all by himself.

Other times, I would hear a. “Mommmaaaaa!!!!” I would enter the room that Brody was in, and see him laying on his back, legs in the air, diaper undone, with the poopiest little butt ready to be wiped. Yeah, gross. And yeah, this little scene made me urgently want potty training to happen. I’d exclaim, “Ah!!!! Brody! Don’t move, keep your butt up!” And I’d run around the house, trying to find the closest box of wipes, to hopefully save my carpet’s life.

Anyway, back to potty training. I knew he was ready. I know that the experiences that make you know your child is ready will be different than mine. (You probably are hoping this as well.) But my point is, just wait. Just wait until you know, without a doubt, that they are ready. If you are even questioning it a little bit, that means that you don’t truly know.

I thought I knew on the first two tries. I would think to myself, spurred by things I had read and heard, “Oh, he can say the word potty now.” That does not mean that they are ready. I would think to myself, “Oh, he tells me when he went potty.” That does not mean that they are ready. I would think to myself, “Oh, he is two years old now.” That does not mean that they are ready. I would think to myself, “Oh, he is kind of dry after his nap.” That does not mean that they are ready.

Basically, nothing really means that they are ready until you just wait it out until you know that they are ready. No check list of things you read online is going to tell you if your child is ready. and honestly, if you are searching out those check lists, like I was, then your child is not ready.

The third time that we tried with Brody, when I knew he was ready, was.. dare I say it… easy. It was EASY! We went to storytime at the library on DAY ONE! I’m telling you. I didn’t buy a single treat for that boy. He just started using the potty like a POTTY EXPERT. I’m serious guys. It was so easy. And all of those little tricks and schedules and programs are a waste of time, because if you just wait, it will be so easy.

Did he ever have an accident? Well, duh. He still does sometimes. But he gets it, and it was so freaking easy after we waited until he was ready.

Just wait. That’s all I really have to say.

Potty Training Exhaustion

Being sick and being a mom, at the exact same time.

Ever wonder what it’s like to be sick, and be a mom, at the exact same time? Here, I’ll give you an example..

My morning: … Well, actually, let’s take it back just a few hours. So this time being a sick, I have a stuffy-beyond-life nose (You know, the kind that makes your nose feel like a giant bruise because you have had to blow it so much, and you feel like your brain is about to come out through your nostrils every time to want to clear it all out. Yeah, that kind.), a constant headache (love those), and a sore throat, with a cough on top (the kind that you have a cough there, but you are constantly working to hold back the cough, because your throat hurts so dang much, so the blasted cough tickle is the better of the two options). Think I got a good night’s rest? Nope. Also, drinking an extra amount of water is supposed to help get you better, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it also makes you have to pee multiple times a night like a preggo. (I’m not pregnant.)

6:45 AM 
Brody is awake. Of course. I walk into his room, barely traveling straight, and only able to whisper, to attempt to try to coax him into letting me change his diaper, his soaked sheets, and his soaked pajamas (dang you Huggies “overnight” diapers that don’t actually work!). After, we load up his FIVE stuffed dogs (Thank you kind Valentine’s Day Gift Givers), and 4 blankets. I sit him on the couch, and turn on wait for him to try to turn on and then finally ask me for help, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. “Eat,” says Brody, in which I reply, “Momma is tired, baby. I’m going to lay on the other couch and try to sleep a little while you watch Mickey.” “Yeah.” Whoa, he is agreeing to me sleeping. Awesome. Wrong. {15 minutes later} “Mommaaaa! Mom! Momma! Mom! Mom!” “Yeah, baby?” “Cheerrrriioooossss…” “Uh, wait until baby is awake and then I’ll get you breakfast.” “Momma! Cheeerrriiiooossss..” “Um, Brody, if you want Cheerios, go get it yourself. Momma is tired.”

I knew that this would consist of him climbing himself onto the counter, and getting the cereal box off of the top of the fridge. I knew that this was kind of dangerous. But I also knew that he does this same action many times a day without my consent, so really, what is the difference? Safe and sound, he got them himself. Win. Good choice, Momma. Now, go to sleep, just go to sleep.

{10 minutes later} “Mommmmaaaa! Baby is awake!” Goodness? Already? Of course, she would wake up more than a hour earlier than normal. If only Brody could go get her out of her bed by himself too. That’d be the life. “Let’s go get her, Brody.” We go retrieve the sweet little bundle from her bed, and I am greeted with her cute little smile. I love that baby. So, that’s a plus.

As I change her poopy-poopy-poopy diaper, Brody informs me that he is poopy as well. Two poopy diapers. Awesome. At least I can’t smell them though. So there’s that. “Brody go get yourself a diaper.” (I don’t know if it is just Brody, but he LOVES retrieving things for me. It definitely has it’s perks in times such as sick momma days.)

One thing though, mornings that I allow the TV to be on for longer than about an hour, the craziER side of Brody appears. He gets into things like lotion. He makes messes of things, like dumping all of the books on the floor from his bookshelf. He is mean to his sister, like pushing her, yelling at her, and being possessive over everything including things that actually really are her’s. And I know this about the TV, but honestly, I never learn my lesson. I always have this vision in my head that they both will just sit there, with smiles on their faces, and watch the screen, and that I can relax. Ladies and gentlemen, this never happens. And I repeat, never happens. Even if they are sick along with me, somehow, even then, it just never happens. TV, at least in my house, is not a babysitter for my kids, as much as some days, like today, I try to make it be one.

Brody had gymnastics at 10:00 AM. The smart Momma, would have probably skipped it today, but the cheapo Momma, like myself, was like, “Heck no! This session is already paid for!” So therefore, I had to take a shower. The kids were somehow playing with puzzles together nicely for a split second, so I ran to the shower as fast as I could. (Nah, I didn’t run. Who are we kidding?) But I got in the shower. The hot water, and the blessed steam made me feel so dang freaking goooooddddd.. I hear Bonnie screaming about something. I try my best to ignore it, because I REALLY needed this 2 minutes of space in the shower. The yelling doesn’t stop. Uggghhhhh.. I get out of the shower, no towel, dripping wet, and run and grab Bonnie. I tell Brody that he needs to be nice to her. I sit her in her chair at their eating table, and cut her up a muffin. Yes, with conditioner still in my hair, and yes, with facewash still all over my face. Bonnie just stared up at her crazed out Momma. I was GOING to get that shower!!!!! I hopped back in and didn’t hear anymore screaming for the rest of the 1 and a half minutes. Success.

I somehow managed to get both kids and myself ready, and out the door, on our way to gymnastics. (It helped immensely that gymnastics is extreme motivation for Brody to get himself ready, quickly. And it also provides a good amount of motivation for him to help retreive things for Bonnie, like socks, sippy cup, etc.) We did it though. So with a wet pony tail, we got to gymnastics on time, and Brody had a great time. And his energies were spent on something else than destroying, my already destroyed, house. Win.

On our way home, I imagined the mess we were about to arrive too. I thought about how I needed to feed the kids lunch. I thought about how I still hadn’t cleaned up the muffin mess that Bonnie had made all over the kid’s table, and all over the kitchen floor during my shower. I thought about all of this, parked the car in front of our home, ran inside, grabbed my wallet, and jumped back into the car and headed to McDonalds. Yep, it was just one of those days.

If anyone reads this, that was at McDonalds this morning.. To them, I would say, I tried to sit as far as I could from everyone else there. I would say, I’m sorry that you had to listen to me blowing my nose the entire time. I would also say, if you ever catch this illness, and you have kids, you will understand, so just you wait.

I sat there. They ate. They climbed in the playland (and probably caught more diseases for us to have to endure later), but I drank my caffeinated beverage (thank goodness for that!) with squinted, tired eyes. I was a wreck sitting there, in McDonalds this morning, but it was a break, and that was something I needed.

As we pulled out of the McDonalds parking lot, a huge rush of liquid spilled all over the front windshield of our car. Diet Dr. Pepper. Yum. All over the car. Yep, that was my luck. Of course, I forgot to take it off the top of the car after buckling the kids in. Of course. There goes my medicine of choice. What a waste of a dollar!! I quickly put the car in park, hopped out, grabbed the cup (I have no idea where the lid and straw went), and drove home, anticipating the nap time routine I had ahead of me with two kids….

You guys, you get through it, because you have to. It’s dang hard sometimes though, and many times there are tears involved. Tears of frustration. Tears of impatience. & tears of complete and utter exhaustion. Being sick totally sucks. But being a mom and being sick, totally sucks even more.

5:00 PM
I lay in bed, typing this story and thanking the stars for an awesome husband who will rescue me from the kids and let me rest. I don’t know how I got through this morning, but I feel like even though Jeff arrived to a disaster of a house when he got home, I won today. Somedays, keeping the kids alive equals winning. Somedays, that is all you can do, as a momma who is sick.

One last thing, Single Mommas—– You. Are. Saints.

The end.

a one year old baby girl.

her curls.
oh those curls.
her tiny nose.
& that profile.
that smile.
her smile, that is so familiar to everyone who knows her.
her laugh.
her laugh that is easily given
& so, so contagious.
her eyes.
those big, brown eyes.
always watching.
watching the world.
her long fingers.
those gentle fingers that graze my face each night as she dozes off in my arms.
her little body.
a body that is growing, each day, faster and faster, right before my eyes.

my baby girl.
a year old baby girl.

a baby girl that i love so, so much.
a baby sister that is adored by her older brother.
a daughter that is the light of her parents eyes.

somedays I’m so tired.
so, so tired.
the clock is slowing, growing faster, towards the morning hours.
& can’t even fathom how I am going to get through the next day..
but then your little smile.
the way your arms reach up towards me as I near your bed.
the way your lay your tiny, soft head on my shoulder
& I pull you into my bed.
& we cuddle.
oh, how I will miss cuddling with you someday.
your tiny body, fitting perfectly against mine.

I pull the blankets up over both of us,
& just pull you close.
hold you so close.

my baby girl.
a year old baby girl.

you’re my buddy.
& I hope it stays that way.

lately you have been crawling over to me,
using my shoulders to stand yourself up,
turning yourself around,
& plopping your little butt into my lap.
goodness,  i love when you do that.
& you just sit there.
content.
even if it is only for a few minutes.
you are close,
& still.

my baby girl.
a year old baby girl.

As much as I hate to think that you are getting older,
& these moments aren’t going to last forever,
I’m so, so excited.

I’m excited to watch your personality develop.
I’m excited to learn about the person you are going to become.
I’m excited to see what your interests are.
what your dreams are.
I’m excited to hold your hand as we walk across the street together.
I’m excited to watch what you pick out to wear for school pictures.
I’m excited to braid your hair.
I’m excited to throw a sleepover for you.
I’m excited to take you to the movies,
just us.
I’m excited to get to know the little girl that you are.

my baby girl.
a year old baby girl.

you are special.
I’m sure of that.